One Egg Please

It's In My Genes

2012-02-05T21:16:00.002-05:00

The will to fight.

Over the past years 5 years of my IF struggle to conceive and meet LMI many people told me that I was a fighter and very strong. I didn't feel strong at the time, I felt I had no other choice, but to continue to try as many ways as I could to become a mother. I never really thought about where my desire to fight and be strong came from until last week when my dear friend LisainSK connected it to me, my Boobie (grandmother).

Last weekend my Boobie fell in the bathroom at my parents' house. She is 93 and her bones are frail and this fall was bad. She broke her shoulder, her hip and a few ribs. She needed surgery for her hip. The prognosis was not good. This was on Saturday. Scared does not even come close to what my family was feeling. My Zaide (grandfather) passed away when I was a young girl and my mother is an only child. We are all very close with Boobie.

Saturday was spent in the ER assessing the damage and Sunday was spent in anticipation of what the surgery would bring. The term extremely high risk was used...a lot. The thoughts that circled in all our heads were the worst. Thankfully Boobie was so drugged up on pain medication that she didn't know what was happeneing. It was similar to a Greys Anatomy episode where we watched as they wheeled her off to the OR and we were left waiting, hoping and praying that the surgery would be successful. Thankfully it was.

She came through surgery and is now recovering in the hospital. She is a fighter.

Her life has not always been easy. She immigrated to Canada in 1936 from Poland with $5 to her name. The rest of her family remained there only to perish in the Holocaust.

She got married and after eleven years finally conceived my mom. Sixty years ago IVF didn't exist. Women did not go on birth control and people did not put careers first. If you were married the expectation was that children would follow. Those that had difficulty conceiving had no scapegoat. Everyone knew. My mother is her rainbow baby. Her miracle. Her one and only child. My Boobie always felt a connection to me and even though A and I kept our IF from our extended families - she knew. I could often see the pain in her eyes when she talked about her dreams for me and my siblings. I know that she was ecstatic when my sister announced her pregnancy, but she was also quite concerned and devastated for me as well. It broke her heart that I was struggling like she did.

My Boobie is a fighter. She is a survivor. She is facing an extremely long recovery especially for someone her age. A and I postponed our family vacation so that we could be here for her. Because of her, I have the will to fight. I love you Boobie.

-R.

5 Months!

2012-01-25T12:08:00.003-05:00

LMI turned five months on Monday. It is so amazing to watch her growth and development change as she gets older. She is now "talking" up a storm. The coos come in every pitch and to everything and one. Our best "conversations" are on the changing table during a diaper change, weird I know. Sometimes I wonder what it is she is actually thinking. Oh to be insider her adoravle head. She is getting bigger 11lbs3oz, but still fits comfortably in her 0-3 onesies. We all know good things come in small packages (especially turquoise blue boxes!). Her dr gave the green light on weaning her night feeds and we began last night.

A typical night is:
700-feed
715-bed
1100ish-feed
2-3-feed
5-6-feed
715-730-wake up

I decided it would be best to cut out the first night feed at 11 since that is the one that fluctuates the most. She has pushed that feed before so I know it is more out of habit than hunger. I decided that I was not going to feed her before 230am (fer.ber says to pick a time and dont back down). So I put her to bed as usual and she woke up at 1120 for her feed, but had to CIO. Only 3 min! But then she woke up at 1148 and CIO for 30min. Since she is still in my room (I am moving her to her crib in 2 weeks after our trip to Florida - no point before since she we will be sleeping in my room while we are away) I was able to watch her without her seeing me so I didnt do any checks. Eventhough she cried, the intensity was not horrible. Nothing was as bad as the first sleep training night a month ago. She put herself back to sleep only to wake again at 1220 and again CIO for 3 min. She then s,ept until 3am! This leads me to believe that she was waking out of routine. After I nursed her she went right back to sleep until 520. She CIO for 3 min and back to sleep. At 630 I fed her and she slept for another hour and then woke for the day. The first part of the night was rough, but seeing her smile in the morning makes me feel better. I can only hope tonight will go better.

Everyone that meets or knows LMI talks about her sweet personality. "She's such a happy baby, does she ever cry?". Um yes! She is now at the point where her harness is driving her nuts. She is getting sick of lying on her back. She wants to roll around and stretch her legs. When we are out of the hiouse shes still the same super easy going happy girl, but at home during playtime, its rough.

We were back at the clinic on Monday and yup, no progress. So we are getting reffered to another specialist, this time at the children's hospital. I'm scared and frustrated. Seven weeks she has wore the stupid harness and no progress? I dont understand. I fear a spica cast is in her future. Sigh.

On a happier note LMI is back to loving cereal. When feeding her too close to a BF she just wasnt hungry. She cant get enough of it. She is starting to associate eating with highchair and gets a huge smile when she gets strapped in. Its totally cute. We also got the green light to start vegetables and fruit, but will wait a couple of weeks as we are going to Florida for our first family vacation and Im nervous to introduce new foods while being away.

Happy 5 month birthday LMI, I love you!

An update

2012-01-12T19:40:00.001-05:00

LMI has finally learned to put herself to sleep. It definitely took longer than the books quote, but I think its because she is still getting fed throughout the night and not on a nap routine yet. It was tough. Crazy hard, but the benefits are so worth it.

She goes to sleep between 7-8 depending on her last nap and is now falling asleep with minimal to no crying or fussing. Success. Since she is still so small (10lbs9oz at 4.5 months) I am not allowed to cut out or wean her from her night feedings yet. She is typically waking up two times to feed in the night plus a couple of other wakings. She is now able to put herself back to sleep with minimal to no crying an that has been the biggest success for me.

In terms of her sleeping in my room, I am so ready for her to be in her nursery sleeping in her crib. We are ogoing away (our first family vacation) gat the end of the month and she will be sleeping with us in a pack' n play so I will wait until we get back to move her. I wont lie - it has been really nice having her so close so that when those middle of the night feedings happen I can just lean over. But its time. A and I need our privacy back. I need my TV back. She needs her own space. Its going to happen.

I have found that documenting her sleep training process is so helpful. Especially since she is still getting fed, I am able to see patterns develop and somewhat predict the night. Its not a perfect science, but still helpful. Looking back from the first night until today I clearly see the leaps and bounds that she has made. I am so glad that I stuck with it.

I am hoping to get her on some sort of nap routine. Right now she is taking 4-5 naps anywhere from twenty minutes to an hour with the occasional longer nap. She is currently napping in her swing or carseat so Im hoping if i put her down in the bassinet/crib for naps she will sleep longer? I dont know. Thoughts?

Aside from sorting out our sleep issues the other major thing going on is her hip dysplasia. LMI has been wearing the harness for five weeks. She has not made any progress yet. The ultrasounds show that in the harness the left hip is stable (unable to dislocate), but out of the harness there is NO improvement. I cant tell you how frustrated this makes me. We are going back on the 23rd and if no progress has been made our care will be transferred to the children's hospital and a spica cast may be in our future. I am terrified of this. Any insight would be so helpful. So for now its a waiting game. We all know how good I am at that. Shit.

LMI continues to be the bright spot of my day. Her contagious smile warms my heart and with each day I fall more in love.

-R.

The Three S - Solids, Sleep & Sex

2012-01-04T20:46:00.000-05:00

Happy 2012! I hope this new year brings you happiness.

LMI was given the green light to start solids at her 4 month well check visit. I was so excited that I went out to outfit my kitchen with bowls, spoons and bibs for her to enjoy her first taste of food. I was also ecstatic to finally have a reason to use the food processor we got as a wedding present 7.5 years ago.

We started with rice cereal for the first week. She was so cute with cereal covering her face sitting in her highchair. She knew to open her mouth when the spoon was there, but once the food went in she had no idea what to do. Watching her figure it out over the following days has been quite the site. She loves eating and is really enjoying the oatmeal. Shes also now eating a tablespoon worth - pretty soon she'll be a real chunker. Next month we start vegetables! If you have any good recipes I'm all ears.

I have decided that Fer. Ber must have a heart of stone. We started sleep training LMI so that she would learn to fall asleep on her own. Since the harness we have been getting into some really bad sleep habits (frequent wakings, difficulty getting to sleep, needing to be in my bed) and I was feeding her a lot. Her dr told me to let her cry 10-15 minutes only and then feed her. Because she's small, I cant ignore her - she needs her night feedings but I dont have to be an open bar either.

The first was awful to say the least. When I initially put her down (at her regular bedtime following her normal routine) she cried for twelve minutes before falling asleep. If only she stayed sleeping. She woke up after 27 minutes and then wailed and screamed for forty two minutes. It was gut wrenchingly awful. I was bawling too. That was the worst of it. It has been a week and a half and for the most part she has made huge success. She still continues to cry, but for a couple of minutes and not with such intensity. She is still waking up regularly and feeding 2-3 times during the night. If you have any suggestions for helping her sleep longer I would appreciate it. She is still sleeping in a bassinet in our room as I am lazy. I am waking up multiple times a night and don't want to leave my room, but maybe its time for her to go in the crib?

In terms of sex, what sex? Seriously, when do you find the time and logistically how do you make it work? It creeps me out to have the monitor in the background, but otherwise I may not hear her. I guess in time we will figure it out.

Aside from this LMI is doing great. She is laughing all the time and is loving being around familiar people. She is also obsessed with putting her hands and anything they are holding in her mouth. Maybe its the beginning of teething, I don't know but it is darn cute.

-R.

4 Months

2011-12-23T22:33:00.003-05:00

LMI, I cant believe you are four months old today time is going by so quickly. This past month was filled so many fun things. You learned to roll over from your tummy to your back (although since being in the harness this new skill has stopped) and you are loving your activity mats. You stare, grab, swat and coo at your toys with a smile from ear to ear. You are begining to laugh, but it sounds much more like a gurgle. And the best of all - you give me the biggest smiles in the morning when you wake up. It is the best part of my day.

We have had fun at our fitness class (you much much more than me) as you especially love the parachute and bubbles (gym.boree has the best bubbles ever), you light up during music class and you listen intently at the library storytime.

You now weigh 10lbs2oz and are 22.5" tall. You are doing so well.

You are loving your first Chanukah and become mesmerized by the candle light.

Thank you for all you have given me. I love you so much.

***

I wish you all a happy holiday. I think of you all often and I hope that 2012 brings good things for everyone.

One Year Ago

2011-12-19T20:13:00.002-05:00

... My brother got engaged, my neice was born and LMI was conceived. It is still so unbelevabe how thesebturn if events happened almost simultaneously. When I think back to how depressed and deeply sad I was it amazes how much has changed in a year. I remember her birth as if it were yesterday. It was probably the hardest obstacle I have ever faced. My younger sister gave my parents their first grandchild - a fact that to this day still upsets me. I remember holding it together long enough to see my sister and her brand new baby and then almost instantlt falling apart in the hallway outside her room. It was so so so hard.

BUT I did it. I stepped up for my sister and I feel good about that.

My neice has brought so much joy to my life. She gives the biggest smile when she sees me and is now at the point where her mommyitis is disappearing and she will play with me. I couldnt recognize it at the time, but having our girls so close in age has been a blessing. I'm still (and probably alwaysvwill be) upset that I wasnt first, but I dont let that fact ruin my life anymore.

***

LMI had a follow- up appointment for her hip dysplasia today. Turns out she is a medical mystery like her mother. The angle of her hip got worse since being paced in the harness. The dr said this highly irregular. Of course. The good news is that the ultrasound showed that her hip isnt able to dislocatevwhen in the harness which is a good thing. So we continue. I acm not sure what the hipnangle percentages mean, but I didnt get the impression that it is serious. Thank goodness.

Here's the skinny on life in the harness:
- Ha.lo makes a sleepsack with a swaddle atached - life saver at the beginning. It was a good way to transition out of the swaddle.
- Ba.by Le.gs are leg warmers. Totally cute and super easy to wear over the harness. LMI wears them as tights with dresses on top and you cant tell shes wearing the harness.
- She hates tummy time as it hurts so we need to be extra creative with ways ti help her strengthen her head and neck. Airplane anyone?
- Cleaning the hardest is a huge pain in the butt, it takes forever to dry. Ugh.

Overal the harness is doable, but a total pain. Hopefully she will be out of it soon. Our next check is in three weeks.

***

Yesterday A and I hosted our annual family Hanukkah party. We had twenty relatives at the house to enjoy latkes, bagels and other treats. It was extra special ths year for obvious reasons. Tomorrow night we light the first candle and I just cant believe that there will finally be three of us around the chanukiah this year. Still is unbelievable to me. To those who celebrate Chag Sameach!

-R.

2011-12-06T10:23:00.002-05:00

Yesterday sucked. LMI had her appointment which confirmed the hip dysplasia suspicion. Currently her left hip is loose and therefore can become dislocated in certain positions and therefore the harness was recommended. She was a totalsuper star during the ultrasound and examination, but when it came to fitting her for the harnesses (we got two because she is a huge barfer) she was none to pleased. She cried. A lot.

It isnt that bad of an contraption. The angle that she is placed in is not so severe so with loose tops or dresses, it wont be so noticiable. We were at the hospital for two hours and when we left she was calm and sleeping in her carseat as if nothing happened. Until we got home.

LMI was a total mess all day. I was most worried about bedtime as she was making the tansition into a sleepsack. She did great though. The harness did not seem to affect her and she woke up today with a smile on her face. It will suck, but we will get through this.

-R.

Overwhelmed

2011-11-29T14:28:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was LMI's hip ultrasound. It was scheduled to be done at the children's hospital. We are very fortunate that my city has a world renowned hospital that specializes in all things children - but, going there for your child is extremely overwhelming. The hospital looks like what every place dedicated to children should, big bright colours, kid friendly wall murals, friendly people and fun things for children to look at and play with. Not to mention, high quality excellent doctors.

I haven't been to this hospital in many many years - probably not since I was a child myself and so going there as a mom was an experience I won't soon forget. Even though we were only there for a non-invasive outpatient procedure, we were still there and it was quite scary.

The ultrasound was not bad at all. In fact, LMI had a huge smile on her face while she was smeared with the cold blue jelly on both of her hips. I left feeling optimistic about the results, but two hours later the pedi called with the news. Immature left hip. LMI needs to be seen by an orthopaedic dr and will most likely be fitted for a Pavlic harness.

I am beyond devastated.

As an IFer, I can handle a lot. I got through all the shit that was thrown at me - and remember, there was a lot. But this is my child. I ache when she suffers. I know in the grand scheme of things, this is not that big a deal, but for right now I am upset. I am just so sick of constantly being faced with challenges, can't I have a break, just once?

Today I am choosing to have a pity party and snuggle with LMI, tomorrow, I will pick myself up, do all my research and be ready to attack hip dysplasia with all I've got. LMI, you have nothing to worry about, your mommy is on the case.

-R.

P.S. if you have any experience with Pavlik harness I would love some specifics.

Thoughts

2011-11-24T22:30:00.002-05:00

LMI turned three months old this week. Everyday she is becoming more and more like her own unique person and less newborny. My favourite is when she stretches after a long nap or sleep - it is just so cute. She is now rolling over from her front to back, sitting in her Bum.bo chair, and cooing and swatting her toys. She is also awake for longer stretches in the afternoon/evening which is great for A as he gets some quality play time when he gets home from work. LMI is growing well and is gaining weight appripriately. She is now 9lbs5oz and 21" long - she is definitely on target to double her birth weight by five months. The ultrasound for her hip will be on Monday, but today the dr couldn't detect a click so I'm hopefully she will be fine. Her smiles are infectious and they brighten up my day. I love her more than I could have imagined.

***

I had an appointment with SJ last week. I explained to her that I am feeling out of place and unsure of where I fit in. Since LMI's conception and especially birth I have been treated differently. My IRL friends are now including me in all their "mommy" related buisness, I've been invited to more kids' birthday parties than I care to count and people talk to me about their plans for trying for another baby. Its weird. I dont feel a connection to these people - my friends. I'm still accepting all that I have been through and continue to go through. I still have resentment and anger. I love LMI more than anything, but the years leading up to meeting her were beyond horrible in more ways than one. I feel broken.

I also feel weird in this place. I once knew how Infit in, but now I'm not so sure. Yes I am IF but it feels almost wrong to say that. My sponatenous, out of the blue pregnancy changed my persepctive. Do I think it was 100% natural conception? No fucking way. The leftover hormones amd the biopsy played a part I am sure. I don't like telling my story becausenIndont want to give an IFer false hope. I know how extremely lucky and unique this was. It is not the norm and I dont pretend like it is. I also dont want non IFers to get the wrong impression - the just relax thoughts are so sickening. I almost wish IVF had worked It would be easier in many ways to explain a pregnancy.

SJ made me realize that most of my adult married life I had been working towards a goal - becomming a mother, that I didt have time to develop myself as an adult. I have the opportunity now to reshape my life. To focus on other things and do things for myself. I dont even know where to start. This is something that will take time and soul searching.

I know that I have lost readers since LMI. Maybe because I am becomming one of those mom bloggers who doesnt find the time to blog, or maybe I'm so boring now or maybe my story is too painful for you. Either way, I understand. To those that have continued to support me - THANK YOU. Your friendship means so much to me.

***

To all my cross border friends, I wish you a very happy Thanksgiving.

-R.

Fun in the Sun

2011-11-09T15:39:00.003-05:00

My first trip to Florida with LMI was a success. We had a fantastic time and I was so proud of myself for going with her when she was so little and without A no less. Both flights were fairly easy. The first she literally slept the whole time (don't breastfeed during take and landing if they're sleeping) and on the way home she was awake for about an hour and slept the rest. I admit i was totally stressed about flying with her, but it was easy. The hardest part was putting my stroller in the fits.just.so. travel bag for gate checking.

My sister and I did a lot of research before going away so that we would be prepared and have all the items needed for a successful trip with a 10 month and 2 month babies. Here are some of the things we found that we liked:

Baby Hut - provided UV protection and was perfect for the beach or pool. It folded up flat so it was easy to pack and had lots of venting.

A travel exersauser - awesome. It can go anywhere and it has places to clip on toys and two cup holders. Also has a travel bag for easy travel.

UV swimwear - there are many different brands. I bought this one because it came in very small sizes and covered arms and legs. I also bought this hat and it provided perfect sun protection.

Sunscreen - there is controversy on this. My pedi recommends sunscreen if you are going to be in the sun. I put it on part of LMI that were exposed to the sun only, however that wasn't very often.

Airplane toys - LMI was too you g and mostly slept, but my niece loved this.

A sling- OMG I don't know what I would have done without this. Its so easy and comfortable and LMI loves it. I also have the bjo.rn, but haven't used it yet.

Also don't forget your comforts from home. We brought our white noise machine (although the waterfall by the pool worked too), swaddle blankets, muslin blankets, burp cloths and all the other items you will need. Make sure you have a way to give a bath if they cant sit on their own, i used this and it was perfect.

All in all it was great to get away, but a totally different experience. As much as it was relaxing, I never just lay out. LMI never seemed to nap at the right times, but it didn't matter. Just being away was enough.

***
LMI and I went to our first mom and baby fitness class. We sucked. I was an out of shape disaster that couldn't follow or keep up with the step class and she either slept or BARFED ALL OVER ME. Yay we are going to be a huge hit there. Lol.

As well, LMI is now out of the cosleeper and in the bassinet (still in my room) and is sleeping 6-7 hours straight!

-R.

First Trip

2011-11-01T04:43:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting on the airplane with LMI snuggled into me in her sling (best thing ever) for our first trip together - amazing. I of course packed as if we were moving half way across the world even if we are only going to Florida for a week, but I want to be prepared.

This is my first real vacation in five years. Yes, I have been away, but IF treatments were always involved in some capacity. It was so nice not having to explain IVF to the Customs officer and not sneaking off to a secluded nook to shoot up. This time the ice pack was for breastmilk bottles, not Gonal F. Weird.

I plan to enjoy the week in the sun and relax. LMI has her UV swimsuit and we are ready for the beach. The iPod is loaded up with Glee and we have our Weissbluth reading.

See you in a week and happy Halloween!

-R.

2 Months

2011-10-24T20:55:00.000-04:00

LMI had her two month check up today. I was a mess in anticipation of the vaccine shots - you remember me and needles. Needless to say, I was up most of the night worrying about it.

She's now upto 8lbs1oz and is 20.5", so growing and gaining well. I don't think she's on the growth charts yet, but she's on a steady incline so I'm happy with that.

She's smiling and laughing all the time now and it is the most amazing thing in the world to see. She's also becoming quite strong. She lifts her head up and turns from side to side. She even rolled over 3 times today (but her pedi thinks it was by mistake).

I am starting to learn her signs more clearly now and identify her different cries. It took me a while to realize that crying didn't = feed me...NOW. It has definitely been a learning curve for me.

The one part of today's visit that was concerning was her hip. Apparently it clicks. The dr asked if she was a breech birth (no) so, we need to investigate further. We will get an ultrasound done and then see if and what should be done. If you have any advice on this I'm all ears please.

The vaccine was much harder on me than on her. Yes, she cried like I have never heard before with huge tears streaming down her face, but after a few minutes (which seemed like an eternity, probably only 2 or 3) she was calm again. She is feeling pretty tired and is a different fussy than usual, but thankfully no fever yet.

LMI and I are taking our first trip together next week. We are heading to Florida for a week with my parents, sister and niece. I am so excited to get away and this will be my first vacation in YEARS that didn't revolve around my cycle, IF treatment or medication times. I can't wait. I am nervous for the flight as I have no idea what to expect. She will be ten weeks so again, advice is welcome.

LMI - I can't believe you're already two months old. You have grown so much and are becoming your own person. I love waking up and seeing your smiling face and watching you learn new things everyday. I love being your mommy and I love you with all my heart.

-R.

32 and Other Things

2011-10-16T22:25:00.004-04:00

I turned another year older on Sunday. Yup, 32. It felt different than my past four birthdays. I woke up and didnt instantly try to hide in bed, I was excited to see what the day would bring. Im not high matenance when it comes to birthdays, I hate being the center of attention so parties and large gatherings are not my scene - this year was no exception. It was a low key relaxing day at home with LMI and A followed by a family dinner at my parents. Perfect. The best part was my present from A. He got me the entire chocloate cake. The one from the Chee.secake Fac.tory, OMG it was freakin' awesome! The weirdest part of the day was the blowing out of the candles and making the wish. I have had the. Same wish for years now but it came true in August. This year's wish a bit more general. It was my first birthday as a mommy and it was perfect.

***

We all know what happens after the six week appointment...an appointment with your husband. I was so fucking scared to have sex, I literally lost sleep over it. I played out different scenarios about when, where and how and even came up with rules that A had to abide by (romantic right?).
1) know that it isnt going to feel good for me right now, but if we dont move past the pain, it will never get better. Dont ask if I'm ok every five minutes, it will burt and I know that.
2) the boobs are off limits. Seriously, they are still really sore and tender from BF that I am not intersted in bringing additional attention to that area.
3) This will not be romantic, just get in and out quick.

A was surprising fine with my neurotic rules and after a six month hiatus, the dry spell was over. Yup, we did the deed on my birthday. It wasnt nearly as bad as I was anticipating. Yes, it was uncomfortable, and there was NO deep penetration (sorry for the TMI), but with the help of some KY (a must), it was almost pleasurable. Afterwards, was a whole different story. I was sore...for hours. Not expecting that. It can only get better though. So happy I conquered that fear, it is an awful feeling to be scared o
To be intimate with your husband.

***

Along with the sex came a new set of anxiety for me. One that I thought was behind me and would stay away for a little longer. Yup, the TTC fears and stress are back. No, we are not actively trying for a second. I am so incredibly happy and feel fulfilled with LMI. I love waking up next to her in the morning, spending the day with her and putting her to sleep at the end of the day. Every smile she makes, literally makes my heart explode with love. Shes getting bigger and stronger everyday and I am savouring the moments. BUT, I know that in time I want more children. And if it is going to take another five years, then I want to get started now so no, we are not actively trying, but we will have unprotected sex and if nothing happens when we are seriously ready for another child, then back to CO we will go to use our embryos that our waiting for us. It is just a weird place to be in right now. On the one hand I am not ready to be pregnant again so I dont want to be, but on the other hand, I am and will be sad with each passing month of unprotected sex and nothing. IF sucks. I thought I was free from it, but this just reminds me that I am so not.

-R.

LMI's Nursery

2011-10-12T14:03:00.007-04:00

The furniture for the nursery finally arrived and we have spent the last few days organizing and putting stuff away. I am so happy with how it has turned out so far, and aside from the finishing touches on the walls, the room is done. I hope LMI loves her nursery and is as happy in it as I was designing it for her.

As promised, here are a few pics:

This is the chandelier (obviously), it's on a dimmer and at night when I rock her in the glider, it shows beautiful prism designs on the wall. Love it!

The furniture is from the Canadian company, Moth.er Hub.bard's Cup.board. The crib skirt is from my favourite - PBK. I am hoping to put up a wall decal from The.ee Hip Chi.cks (the clara) with LMI's name on it, over the crib.

The crystal knobs, just screamed girly girls room. Perfect little touches. We are hanging three 7x7 white frames with pictures from our photo shoot. I can't wait!

My favourite part of her room. I love spending time with LMI in my arms rocking her (in my not so pretty, but totally comfortable glider), reading her my favourite books (Rob.ert Mun.sch, Er.ic Car.le) or singing her some songs. The drapes and lamp are also from PBK. I am planning to put up some book shelves on the walls, and the yellow giraffe from the dresser will be book ends.

-R.

Finding My Place

2011-10-07T20:59:00.002-04:00

When I first started blogging, it was because I needed support. We had just begun the egg donor process after countless IUI and IVFs and two chemical pregnancies, that i was looking for people who got what I was going through. Being young, there were not many people that had experienced IF in the same way as me and I found it hard to relate to the stories of their journeys this is not to say that I felt my pain was more profound, just different. I was desperate to find a connection to women who similar to me and I was lucky because I found that and so much more.

Sharing my story and reading yours provided me with the realization that I was not alone. Others had walked the same path as me and I learned so much from the strength and determination of you all. I quickly learned that IF sucks just as bad at 40 as it does at 30 and that I had a lot in common with women of all ages. I didnt feel so isolated. When many of you found success, I found myself truly happy and sharing your joy. When one had a loss, I was equally torn up and devastated for you.

I feel like I'm in purgatory right now. I'm again finding my place as a parent after IF and what that means for me and how I blog. Yes, I plan to continue because I still need you and my story is not over. We may have added a player, but our team is not complete. So please bear with me as I navigate my way through parenting after life crushing IF.

***

LMI is six weeks! I can hardly believe it. Like many of you said, it only gets better after six weeks. She is now sleeping in longer stretches at night (5hr, 4hr), shes becoming more aware of her surroundings and enjoyi g looking at her toys and the best by far is the smiling. OMG it is amazing. She had been almost smiling, or practicing, for a weekor so, and I wasnt really sure if she was doing it or not, but then right on her six week mark, she gave me two totally awesome, no douting what they are smiles. Melt my heart. She is also gaining weight like a champ - shes now upto 7lbs2oz and is gaining about 22g a day.

Breastfeeding is getting easier, but holy cow its hard work. I think this was the area I was most surprised about. People dont tell you how hard it is and so you feel alone. LMI is exclusively on the breast now unless I choose to give her a bottle. That in itself was a major accomplishment. Being small and under forty weeks, her sucking reflex and stamina were still developing so latching was a major issue. Its still not perfect, but it is waaaaaay better and not nearly as painful. Cracked nippkes suck. They hurt like hell and make you prone to other infections. Once my nipples healed, i got a yeast in my breasts, who ever heard of such a thing? Luckily, its not serious and was easily treated. It does that seem that its one thing after another though. Hopefuly now the trend will be moving in a more positive pain free direction.

***

I went for my six week post pardom check up. I was scared shitless about it. It was a piece of cake. I was able to avoid the pap as I had one earleir this year that was normal. Yay yay yay. I also got weighed and learned that i have lost all of my pregnancy weight and then some! Now I need to workon my IVF pounds. A and I talked it over and we decided that we are not going to use birth control. We are both so incredibly happy with LMI, but we would love more children so we feel that after all it took for her to get here, why prolong trying for a second. Tobe fair, you need to have sex to be trying and that is not happening any time soon. I'm way to scared for that. Our plan has always been to have unprotected sex for a year and if nothing, then go back to CO and use our embryos.

Emotionally I'm doing well. Almost to well, I was nervous that I had no signs of the hormone crash or baby blues that people talk about so I brought it up to the RN. She said that although it is common, it is not a guarentee and if it hasnt yet, it probably wont. A and I will still be on the lookout for signs of PPD, but right now I'm feeling pretty good.

***

Thanks for continuong to support me, this community is my family.

-R.

One Month

2011-09-23T21:40:00.003-04:00

LMI turned one month old today, where did the time go? It has been an amazing journey getting to know her and learning to how to be a mommy. Life is pretty awesome right now, my beautiful daughter is sleeping beside me and my amazing husband is loving parenthood. What could be better?

Last weekend was a party in honour of LMI. Back in 2007 when A and I first started TTC we always thought we would have a small family gathering to introduce the child to the world. Well with our struggles and so many people supporting us along the way, that didnt seem fitting. So, we invited the entire world (ok not exactly but pretty darn close) and celebrated our miracle in style. It was AMAZING. A welcome everyone with the most touching speech. He started off explaining her name and the meaning it and who she was named after. Then the tears came when he read his poem. He started off by saying that he has been writing this poem since learning we were pregnant. Seriously. It was a touching pievpce about our journey and why we feel so blessed - it was comical and sentimental at the same time. There wasnt a dry eye in the room.

I think I was in a bit of a blur during the party. I have dreamed for so long of a moment just like that and it was finally here. It wasso surreal. People ask if i can believe that she is here and my answer is I believe that easier than believing that I was pregnant. Still cant quite wrap my head around that one. People were so incredibly generous, not just in terms of gifts, but more soin their heart felt sincerity of happiness for us. It was really touching.

Other than that my days are spent organizing LMI's stuff as she has acquired a lot since birth and getting her nursery ready for when her furniture will be delivered (hopefully next week). I promise to post pics once its done. I have also come to the realization that bad habits are awesome for right now. She loves the pacifier and is a much better sleeper when she is next to me so we bought a cosleeper. What an amazing invention. Life is pretty great right now.

I know that my exteme happiness may be difficult for some right now because of wher they are in their own IF hell journey and for that I am sorry. It is never my intent to cause someone pain.

-R.

Lucky Catch

2011-09-10T17:40:00.003-04:00

A and I were looking through photos on the computer today of our journey to meet LMI. Wow was I skinny all those years ago when we first started. Seriously, very skinny...I forgot.

We initially started TTC in February 2006, and had our first RE appointment in October. The following June, for our anniversary, A surprised me with a beautiful Lin.ks of Lon.don Swee.tie bracelet fitted with two charms, an A and R. It was a much more expensive gift than we usually spend, but he knew that I needed something special to commemorate this extremely difficult time in our lives. Over the past years the bracelet has served as a reminder of our struggle. I look at it and am reminded back to the time where we were so ignorant and naive about the entire Infertility process and found hope in the little things - like a bracelet. Oh if only. As the treatments progressed and the years went on, the bracelet and my spirit began to dwindle. I no longer looked at it with the same eyes I once did. It now was a reminder of a dream that wasn't.

After our last failure this past November, I realized that I may never conceive and carry a pregnancy. It was a rough time as you all know. I remember being at the mall with my mom and passing the Links store. I felt like I needed a new charm to signify the end of one journey and the beginning of another. After carefully analyzing the charms, I found the perfect one, "lucky catch", an oyster with a pearl inside. Seeing as finding a pearl inside an oyster is extremely rare it is considered a good luck charm. I knew I had to buy it and add it to my bracelet. Not three weeks later a miracle happened. I was pregnant.

I do not think for one second that the charm or bracelet were responsible for this. But, you can't argue the timeline or significance. Today, all my charms serve as reminders of what I have been through and help me remember (as if I could forget) all that we struggled to meet LMI.

Eight days after her birth, A and I took her for a photo shoot. I leave you with this image of our lucky catch.

-R.

2 Weeks

2011-09-05T18:52:00.001-04:00

Two weeks ago my whole world changed. I was in the hospital with the induction underway. LMI was born and in a way, so was I.

People keep telling me how happy I look, A says that I am the opposite of PPD and its true, I am happy. BUT, what was the perception of me before? How sad did I appear to the world? I thought I put up a great front in public, always smiling and trying not to let on just how devastated and emotionally disconnected I was, but I guess I wasn't as good an actress as I thought.

The last two weeks have been filled with the most extreme highs. Not one moment that I have spent with my daughter has been taken for granted. We have bonded and I am so in love with her - and my husband. I find myself still confused about how this all happened, but then I realize that its not important. She's here and my life is whole again.

-R.

The Last 6 Days

2011-08-29T21:21:00.003-04:00

Please excuse both my absence and the use of bullets.

The last 6 days have been an absolute dream in ways I could have never imagined. I have learned many things, made many mistakes and had many wonderful moments.

Part 1: In the hospital

- I followed LisainSK's hospital packing list, but since being in the hospital for two extended stays I have a few additions:
* a mini fan if it will be nice weather
* towels - the hospital ones are teeny tiny
* eye mask and ear plugs, a MUST if you are in a shared room
* healthy snacks because hospital food sucks and you do get tired of eating junk food (assuming you don't have GD)

Part 2: All about labour and delivery

- The epidural rocks, but has some side effects that I was not prepared for:
* Some people (me) develop EXTREME itching. Literally I was clawing on my stomach, legs, breasts and arms during labour. Unfortunately there is not much that be given to ease this. It continued to last the remainder of the day even once the epidural wore off.
* Some people (me) develop the shakes. I liken it more †o being in an ice box, although no† feeling all †hat cold. It was more the chattering of lips and teeth and uncontrollable shaking. This wen† away after labour, but for some only starts after.
***Either way the epidural is a must.
- I was shocked that †he urge to push feeling felt like needing to go poo...INSTANTLY. When you push, if you visualize yourself in the bathroom, you will do fine.
- Baby's come out looking squished. I was scared for a moment†, but within a couple of hours she plumped up and †urned into a real cutie.

Part 3: The hospital stay

- Take advantage of the nurses, that's what they are there for.
- In our 4 day stay we learned so much; swaddling, feeding, diapering and overall caring for a baby - so helpful.
- Don't get discouraged if you don't get discharged right away, the longer the more secure you will hopefully be when its time to leave.

Part 4: Homecoming

- IT IS FUCKING HARD
- I have only had one breakdown since coming home on Friday, and it was within hours of getting home.
- Partner up. A and I discovered early on that things go a lot smoother and easier when we work together. This is the first time that I can remember where we are 100% all the time on the same page, i† is so nice and is making life so much easier.
- Limi† your visitors. We didn't do this and I am regretting it now. I'm exhausted. We spent the weekend entertaining family and friends. Even though I took it easy, I'm still exhausted.
- Seriously cannot recommend enough how important rest is. Take naps, it will be worth i†.

Part 5: Breastfeeding

- It sucks. Small and early babies tend to have difficulty. Don't get discouraged and don't blame yourself.
- LMI isn't latching so we are working with a lactation consultant through the hospital. We started off on 100% bottle fed with formula, added in finger tube feeding, breast pumping, and utilizing the aids out there...Med.eala nipple shield is FANTASTIC. It made it so easy for her that now we are doing great. According to our first paediatrician visit today, LMI has been stable with weight gain since leaving the hospital. We would like it †ø improve and she will continue to be monitored.

Part 6: What I learned

- The last five years were hell on earth, but without them we would not have our LMI and she is the best thing that ever happened to us. Don't get me wrong, I don't understand why we needed to endure so much anxiety, hardship, devastating losses and failed cycles, but at least now, from where I stand, I would do it all again (and may have too) to have another chance of becoming a mom again.
- You will find strength you didn't know existed inside you when you care for your child.
- Your heart will explode with the amount of love you have for your little one.
_ Everything in life worth getting, is worth fighting for.

LMI - thank you for making me the happiest mommy on the block. I love you so much!

-R.

Welcome to the World LMI!!!

2011-08-24T21:46:00.000-04:00

Little Miss IT (aka LMI as she will continue to be known as here) was born on Tuesday, August 23rd at 2:33pm weighing a whopping 5lbs2oz!

On Monday A and I went to our scheduled OB appointment and growth scan. At the ultrasound she was officially declared IUGR weighing 5lbs2oz, it placed her at below the 10th percentile. I knew from that moment that we would be meeting her very soon. The OB agreed and called to have me put on the induction list. He told me I would get a call within the next 24hrs and would need to be ready to get to the hospital. I would not be going home again. A and I were starving from being at the hospital for so long that we decided to have lunch in the hospital cafeteria before heading home. We ran into my long time friend and staff OB at the hospital who by fluke happened to be on call on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I told her my situation and she immediately called the L+D floor to see what my timing would be. We were 2nd on the list (its based on priority) so she estimated at least 4 hours.

So what do you do? We went home, and I met my sister-in-law for a mani/pedi session (they were already chipped from last week and wanted the extra pampering). I knew that at anytime I could be called, even though it was unlikely, so I paid before I got started. The manicure felt like it took forever. My nails came out great, I got a french manicure in the shellac polish so it would last and then got settled for my favourite part, the pedicure. I had my feet soaking in the tub and she had just finished filing the nails when, you guessed it, I got THE CALL. I told the manicurist that I needed to leave asap and could she please polish my toes as quickly as possible. Of course, I chose a colour in the red family (Jewish tradition wards off evil and bad things) Cajin Shrimp and quickly left with A for the hospital.

We checked into triage around 415pm and I was brought in within a few minutes. My friend was the OB who checked me - not dialated at all and started the rippening of my cervix. At 500pm she inserted the Cer.vadril, worst part was the internal, and at 600pm I was brought into a room to wait. By 1130pm I was feeling menstraul like cramping so I was brought to
L+D where I would stay. The Cer.vadril usually takes 12-24hrs to work so I was checked at 515am, but I had made little to no progress. The cramping was getting pretty uncomfortable and at 845am I begged to be rechecked and yup, 3-4cm dialed which meant they were able to get the party started. As soon as the Cer.vadril was taken out, the cramping lessened. I then asked for some time to process before getting the epidural.

At 1100am I was given the epidural and my water was broken at 1130am. I was really scared for the epidural and to be honest, there was some pain that felt almost like a pinched nerve, but it was short lived and totally worth it. I was then given the Oxc.tocin to bring on labour at 1230pm and it didn't seem to be working at first. I was told that I would dialate 1cm every 1-2hrs. Well, within an hour and half I felt the sensation of "having to shit" and told the nurse. Although unlikely she thought I should be checked just to see where I stood - I was 10cm, no one expected it. The dr on call (my friend was in surgery) left to go stitich someone back and my nurse, A and I started pushing. I was told for a first time mom it can take 1-2hours...14 minutes later with a tiny 1st degree tear, my daughter was born!

She was perfect, healthy and over 5 pounds. My dreams have come true. I have never been more in love or in awe in my life. The rest is a bit of blur right now, but life is great. A and I could not be happier right now. She is truly a miracle.

-R.

Last Minute Reflections

2011-08-22T08:03:00.000-04:00

If you knew it was probably your last weekend at home with just you and your husband, how would you spend it?

Its a weird place to be, knowing your child will be entering the world in the imminent future. To be fair, we have been on LMI alert since 34w when I was told about her growth issues and the fact that my other medical issues (GD, high BP) are playing a serious role in her development. So for the past three weeks, I have worked HARD to speed up getting my shit together so that I would be ready to finally meet her.

This weekend was spent relaxing. Aside from my mandatory 24hr urine collection where for obvious reasons I was tied to my bathroom, A and I really didn't do much. It was nice. We had our last "official" sleep in on Saturday, spent most of the day in pajamas and I parked myself on the couch watching Fo.od Net.work and working like a mad woman on LMI's monogrammed needlepoint pillow (so close to being finished).

My house is starting to look like a baby could live there. Our furniture still has not arrived and we don't expect it until the end of September, but we were loaned a bassinet so we have a place for her to sleep when she first comes home, we have some washed preemie and newborn sized sleepers and clothes and a ton of receiving blankets, washcloth/towels and swadling blankets. Needless to say we have stuff and are physically ready.

Emotionally? That's another story. I have been in some serious denial about this whole pregnancy thing. I never truly believed that I would be having a baby of my own - especially not by me being pregnant from my own egg. Its still truly amazing and such a miracle. Because of this denial, I haven't given any thought to HOW this baby will be entering the world. I'm scared. Scared of an epidural/spinal (although I believe 100% in heavy meds), scared of the pain management not working and scared of a C-Section. Just plain scared. Shitless. But, after all I have been through and suffered through I know I can do this. I will be hard, but I can do it.

The countdown to meeting my daughter is on, it won't be long now...

I honestly can't thank you all enough for the love and support you have shown me throughout my journey thus far. I'm not done with blogging, and promise to not disappear, I will continue to be a source of support to all of you as you have all been for me. THANK YOU ALL!

-R.

Holy Shit...

2011-08-19T12:39:00.000-04:00

... There is a car seat installed in MY car

Since being released from the hospital last week, I have been feeling mostly ok. Yes, the headaches are still in full effect, but I'm taking Ty.lenol every 4-6 hours and adding a codeine tablet at night. It helps. My anxiety is more under control in terms of being alone. I'm comfortable with that, except for taking showers and sleeping. Luckily it hasn't been a problem.

The problem I'm having is with my blood pressure. Its on a steady incline, with variable highs both at home and at OB. Yesterday it was 150/88 and that was after sitting and resting and knowing that the NST and BPP ultrasound were both great. I was really afraid that I would be readmitted. Thankfully this wasn't the case.

I'm to go back tomorrow for PIH blood work and to pick up a container for a 24hr urine collection (to be done Sunday/Monday) and then return to the OB on Monday morning to decide which day of THAT week we are going to deliver!

Yup, next week I will be a mom. I will finally meet Little Miss IT and I am thrilled and scared to death. A's in shock. Although we knew the possibility that she would be coming early, now that its a reality its pretty overwhelming. We are prepared - materialistically and emotionally. I think we both (especially me) are in denial that an actual baby is coming home to live with US. We are both just so happy that I will be 37w on Sunday and LMI will be considered full term. Holy shit!

-R.

Home Sweet Home

2011-08-13T07:53:00.002-04:00

After morning rounds yesterday I was discharged. Overal I was extremely happy to be able to go home, breathe fresh air and have some indepence back - but there is a part of me that is scared.

Over the past couple of days I haven't been feeling all that great. My pulse feels like it is pumping so fast (when readings show high 80s - low 90s, not so fast for me), my headache is getting worse and I feel hazy like I'm drugged or something. I was checked out very carefully before leaving the hospital and they told me there was nothing seriously wrong with me or LMI so home we went. Have any of you felt similar symptoms at the end of your pregnancies?

Because I'm not feeling 100%, I'm scared to be alone. I font feel stable on my feet and I'm worried. A picked me up from the hospital, but had to work late last night so I slept at my parents' house because of the fear. He has to leave the house crazy early tomorrow morning for work, so again I'll sleep out (at my sister) because I'm uncomfortable being alone. I hope that after a few days away from the hospital and the extra attention I will be ok again.

The entire time I was in the hospital I was so focused on my appearance. I kept thinking that I was going to meet my Little Miss for the first time with dark roots, hairy legs and sharp toe nails. Not the first impression I want to make. I think I was so obsessed with this because it was out of my control - it was on my to do list, but might not have been checked off. Getting a wax and mani/pedi almost immediately yesterday was the first thing I did. My hair will be early next week. I'm not taking any more chances or playing with time.

For the immediately future I will be monitored closely. I was given specific instructions for when to return to the hospital and will continue with weekly BPP ultrasounds and growth scans every two weeks. If at any point me or LMI are not doing well, then its game time and I will be induced. At this point, I'm 8 days from full term so I'm really hoping we can make it that far.

My plan until she arrives is to rest and take it easy. We have a few more things to finish, but if I do a task a day, it should all work out. I promise to post nursery pics when finished, but it is turning out better than expected!

Thanks again for the support, as always your words comfort me in the tough times.

-R.

Update - New Info

2011-08-10T11:51:00.003-04:00

All I have in me right now is bullet points, sorry.

- I'm still in the hospital, at least for now. I've had daily NST monitoring and they have all come back within the normal range, phew!

- I was moved to a private room on Saturday and that has made all the difference. I'm now getting sleep.

- My GD has been acting funny since I was admitted. I've had two hypoglycemic episodes, which have been scary. Yesterday my blood sugar dropped so low that i was instructed to drink juice ASAP, eat and then retest. I felt so faint and dizzy, but luckily, the protocol helped and I felt better relatively quickly, but boy was it scary.

- They bumped up my growth scan to this morning and LMI has gained a pound in two weeks! She now weighs 4lbs12oz and is up from the 16th to the 19th percentile. I won't know what this means for her until later today/tomorrow as the staff dr needs to review the scan. I think the imminent delivery scare is over, but she will be closely watched for sure. I have no idea what the plan is in terms of me staying here or being discharged and I have mixed feelings about it.
PRO:
- It would be AWESOME to go home, sleep in my own bed, shower and be home finishing up my last minute things
- I would have more flexibility and be able to get some fresh air

CON:
- 95% of the time I am stable, but for that time when I am not, it is very reassuring to be here
- I'm being so closely monitored that nothing will slip through the cracks
- I will be seen as an outpatient 3 times a week by my OB and this will be frustrating and hard - especially since I don't drive

So I guess time will tell what the plan is for me and Little Miss IT. I will update more later. thank you for the thoughts and well wishes, they are so needed and really help brighten the day. Today is 35w3d, I never thought I would reach this milestone, let's ee how far we can get!

Here is the information from morning rounds today:
- drs happy with growth ultrasound, baby doing well

- having an MRI as soon as possible to investigate headaches, ruling out random things - we all expect it to be normal

- once MRI results are back and normal, I will be discharged

- regular monitoring of me and baby as out patient

- if at anytime me or baby not doing well, babys coming out

- won't let me go past 39 weeks

Admitted

2011-08-04T21:51:00.000-04:00

In anticipation for today's OB appointment, I packed my hospital bag last night. I didn't actually think I was going to need it, but thought that it was probably time to have it ready to go.

I needed it today. I arrived at the hospital around 830am and had my first appointment at 10. I met with my new BP dr who wasn't concerned about me and discharged me to the GD for monitoring as I was not deemed to have high blood pressure. Yay, score 1 point for R!

My OB appointment was scheduled for 2pm, so at the hospital I waited. It wasn't too bad though as I have a couple of friends on staff here that helped me pass the time.
My first test was the NST. It didn't go so well. Apparently, when you are in labour the baby's hour drops during a contraction and then rises again after. If you're not in labour, this shouldn't happen - of course it happened to me.

I then went on the ultrasound where I scored perfect on the BPP, but it wasn't enough for my OB to be happy. He admitted to the hospital for monitoring for at least two days.

I have also been having some bad headaches and vision issues lately so I'm also on the pre eclampsyia watch. 24 hour urine = fun times.

Right now, I'm settled and calmer. It was a bit of a whirlwind day, but LMI and I are doing well and hoping we can stay together like this for a little while longer.

Today I am 34w4d...

-R.

A Camera

2011-07-31T11:03:00.002-04:00

When A and I got married seven years ago, we were gifted with a So.ny Cyb.ershot digital camera. We have had the same camera ever since. Back when we got it, it was an awesome camera. We took it on our honeymoon and used it when ever the opportunity for pictures has come up, however as with all technology, it is now much out dated, slow and doesn't have the capability of capturing all the spontaneous moments. Needless to say, for years now, my technology snob husband has been dying for a new camera.

A camera to me (as like most technology) is just an item. I am just as happy to use my BB camera or A's i.Phone camera as I am to use a high end SLR - not that I would even know how to use an SLR. But for A, it has been his dream since we started talking about TTC that we would one day get a new camera. When we were still in the honeymoon of trying to start our family, I allowed us to have conversations about cameras and other baby related items that we may need, but as the treatments kept failing, the years kept passing and the devastation kept building, the word camera would literally send me over the edge.

Camera became the blanket term used to describe our dreams of family. When A brought up the idea of getting a new camera, I would find myself enraged because from where I stood, I couldn't ever really picture myself needing a camera. I think it was around the time when we first decided to go to CO for treatment where the word camera was officially banned from our vocabulary. It was just too sore of a subject to be brought up.

This weekend we were once again gifted with a camera. It is a new, fast, SLR camera ready to capture all those precious moments that we have dreamed of for so long. As I watched my husband tear open the box I likened him to how I picture a kid on Christmas morning. Overly excited, emotional and ecstatic. You see, for us, a camera is not just a camera..its what it represents.

34 weeks today and waiting not so patiently to finally meet my beautiful little girl, Little Miss IT.

-R.

Seriously?

2011-07-28T21:44:00.002-04:00

I'm going to loose my mind, seriously I don't know how much more stress I can take. I had an OB appointment today and Little Miss IT is not growing appropriately. She has dropped to the 16th%ile and has fallen below our growth chart curve. Right now we are in a holding pattern. Weekly ultrasounds to monitor fluid and blood levels with non stress tests thrown in, but growth ultrasounds every two weeks. If at any time, her growth is not making progress I will be officially diagnosed with IUGR and she will be taken out. My dr predicted in two weeks. Two weeks! Holy shit.

My head is spinning right now. I was not prepared for this. I was planning on a huge baby, because, hey, that's what happens with GD, um not the other direction. I shouldn't be shocked or even surprised by this. I mean, of course I'm going to get all the complications. I shouldn't be surprised.

I asked my dr if the growth issue could be related to DS and he said yes, but not likely. Apparently, babies with DS usually have a small abdominal growth, LMI issues is her head. He told me again that it's not too late for the amnio, but my reasons for not doing it the first time, are still valid and so we will just wait it out,but it's getting so fucking hard to get these thoughts out of my head - especially now.

I'm stressed and I know that it is not healthy for me or LMI, so I trying really hard to just live in the moment and relax. A is totally on board with this attitude and he is doing everything in his power to help me remain calm. We are even going to spend Saturday afternoon at the spa and then go for a nice dinner. I'm really looking forward to that.

I still feel so incredibly blessed that I even have these worries to stress about, but seriously, how much more do I have to take? All I want is a healthy baby, is that really too much to ask for?

-R.

Sorry for the Absence

2011-07-21T08:30:00.005-04:00

I'm still here, reading and commenting on all your stories, but for some reason haven't felt much like posting here. Not really sure why. Maybe it's because Im not really sure what to write about, or maybe it's that I can't admit to myself what I want to write about. Either way, I've been quiet.

Things on the pregnancy front having been moving along. Since reaching 32 weeks last Sunday, I am now feeling movement more frequently and intensely. I am not at the point where I can distinguish a kick from a hiccup or an arm from a leg, but can surely tell when a hard body part is poking me. I still find the movement kind of creepy. I mean when you think of it, it. But, it is has also helped me bond more with my Little Miss. I continue to have regular ultrasounds (thank you OB) and it is so amazing to see the change in LMI from week to week. She's now weighing over 3.5 pounds, but just like her mom is still pretty petite. The GD is the only issue giving me a real kick in the pants right now. To be honest it sucks. I am following the diet and exercising daily, but it's not working. After my first week on the Met.formin I was put on insulin. We all knew this was going to happen. I started out at 3 shots a day at the lowest dose, I'm now up to 4 shots a day with regular increasings. I feel like a failure. I am doing everything that they Drs and dietitian say, but still my body is not responding. I'm hungry all the time, but can only eat in 2 hour increments because I need to have accurate testings of my blood sugar. It is a lot harder than I anticipated and although I know that this is what I need to do for LMI to be healthy and I'm doing it, it really sucks.

We have also made some progress on the nursery! The room was cleaned out on the weekend and the first coat of paint was done on Monday. It already looks and feels so different. I'm hoping the stripes get done today or tomorrow and thence can begin hanging the drapes and chandelier. The furniture won't be here until the end of September, but I'm excited that at least this part will be complete. Once it's finished I will definitely post some pics. As we were deciding on furniture and placement, we moved a large office chair into the room to act as a glider. I find myself sitting in that chair and visualizing what it will be like to sit and cuddle with LMI in her beautiful nursery. The images are powerful and overwhelming. I'm starting to get really excited to meet her and begin the long overdue next chapter of our lives.

I'm freaking nervous. About everything, but mostly about LMI. It is never far from my mind that she may have DS. I worry about her and her quality of life. I worry about me and A and how we are going to handle it and I worry about myself and the initial reaction that will happen. Please don't judge me, if you haven't been in this place, you can't possible understand. A and I are committed to her and will love her NO MATTER WHAT, but we also know that it will be our biggest challenge yet. We have no new evidence to imply that she has DS and in fact, all of our ultrasounds show her to be perfect (which she will be regardless), but the worry is never far from my mind. Unlike my usual self, I haven't really allowed myself to google and research a ton on this. Maybe I'm in denial, or maybe it's because in my heart I believe everything will be ok, whatever the reason now that we are so close to finally meeting her, I'm scared. It's hard for me to talk about this with A or anyone else, because people just don't worry, or it will be fine, but the truth is no one knows.

That's basically where I'm at right now. Feeling movement, getting super excited and being anxious at the same time.

-R.

***

This is a conversation that my sis had with her fertile friend yesterday, hope it gives you the same laugh it gave me:

Sis: how's so-and-so doing, is she pregnant?
Friend: no, actually she's been having some trouble, she has to start clomidya next month
Sis: I think you mean clomid
Friend: hay, I knew that didn't sound right

Oh to be an ignorant fertile, LOL.

What's a Baby Step?

2011-07-12T12:45:00.003-04:00

I seem to have crossed over from doing absolutely nothing, to instant nursery and other items. I know complete 360. This past weekend A and I ventured into the world of baby shopping. We hit a total of five stores in two days and have made almost all decisions. As of now, we ordered our nursery furniture (white crib, dresser and night table from Moth.er Hubb.ard - Canadian comp.), chose a glider (white wood glider with yellow padding from Be.st Ch.air - MTL this is SO nit my style either, but due to my height it was the most comfortable ;)), settled on the stroller (Up.pa Ba.by) and car seat (Gra.co). I also picked a dark purple paint colour for the walls, ordered drapery from PBKids and found an amazing yellow and purple stripe crib sheet from Ser.ena and Li.ly. Wow, it was exhausting, but we had some fun too.

I must be nesting because I was in overdrive. Yes, A was the one who felt we needed to get everything done (as did many of the furniture stores), but I'm impressed that I actually did it without falling apart or hyperventilating.

A has been so cute these past few weeks, his excitement is really coming through and I love that. When we bought our house, I did ALL the decorating without so much as an opinion from him, now he wants to be involved in every decision, not because he doesn't trust me, but because he's so excited.

I also realized that we are so completely unprepared for bringing home a baby so I have started doing some research. I inquired about enrolling in an infant CPR course, but the offered through my hospital is at the end of August so that won't work. Apparently they offer the class through other hospitals so I will see if we can do it that way (I also am going to find out about a private option too). Aside from this, we are still committed to forgoing the prenatal class, however I am leaning towards getting my hands on a good book. I'm looking for something that will cover everything I need to know from labour and beyond - suggestions are SO welcome.

That's where things stand for now, making progress and starting to get used to the idea that pretty soon LMI is coming!

-R.

All About GD

2011-07-07T18:42:00.000-04:00

I had my first of many appointments with my new OB Endo (Dr Endo). We went over my 3 GD tests and it was officially confirmed that I am indeed, gestationally diabetetic.

She spent time taking my history, looking over my sugar readings from the past week and then as I suspected spoke the magic words...you.need.insulin. My fear has come to life. Luckily for me, I had already begun researching other options and asked about Met.formin (my favourite of all IF drugs), she was quite receptive to the idea and we decided to give it a try. I am to take 2 pills (breakfast and dinner) everyday for a week while maintaining my GD diet with each meal followed by at least 10 min of walking or other exercise. We will re asses in a week and may push me to 3 pills a day (however I suspect that if zero improvement is shown, then I will be on insulin faster than I can say, I hate needles).

Dr. Endo also asked about my weight gain, so far at 30w3d I have put on 20 pounds. She said that is right on target. An average weight person needs to put on 20-30 pounds total during pregnancy and she will be monitoring my weight very closely for the remainder.

I have come to terms, unwillingly but none the less with my GD. It definitely sucks, but after all that I have been through to finally get to this place, its not the end of the world and I am going to suck it up and deal.

So enough about my GD, here's the important info for those that may find themselves in a similar situation:

- failing the one hour glucose test does not mean a GD diagnosis - many people pass the extended test

- you are a higher risk for developing GD if you:
* a previous diagnosis of GD or delivery of a large baby
* being a member of a high risk population - Aboriginal, Hispanic, South Asian, Asian and African descent
* being 35 years or older
* being obese
* a history of PCOS
(I met none of this criteria, so don't think you are automatically spared)
- the first course of treatment is diet and lifestyle changes.
* daily exercise, especially after each meal
* eating 3 meals a day combined with snacks between meals
* eating a bedtime snack (most important snack)
* counting carbs - limiting the amount of carbs per meal

- you may be required to check and monitor you glucose levels (I check 4x a day). This is done by a finger prick and is not painful

- if diagnosed with GD you have a 1/5 chance of developing Diabetes Type 2 within 8 years, therefore regular monitoring and lifestyle/diet changes should be continued

- there are different drug treatment options available and you should speak with your Dr on what is appropriate for you

- the dietitian told me about the 'pizza theory', basically even if you portion out the carbs exactly, use low fat cheese and whole grain crust, you will still get a high reading. Therefore - pizza not the best option for a GD diet.

- the most important: YOU DID NOT CAUSE GD. It is directly related to your hormones and how much insulin your pancreas is producing. Eating shit food while pg did not cause this.

- I am working on some new lower carb recipes and thinking of some higher protein non-meat related snacks, if you have any ideas I would love to hear them.

-R.

(Please remember that I am not a medical professional, just passing along the info I received.)

The Big 3-0

2011-07-03T14:29:00.002-04:00

My 27th birthday was spent waiting in anxiousnanticipation for my consult with the RE after nine months of unprotected sex. My 28th birthday was spent hopeful that each IUI would bring me closer to a pregnancy. My 29th birthday was spent at the IVF clinic on the operating table for my first IVF retrieval. I remember the RE and nursing staff singing me happy birthday as the pain meds were only starting to kick in AFTER the procedure. I went home that day full of hope because surely, IVF works for everyone on their first try? My 30th birthday was spent in depression. I had just failed my fourth IVF, first one at the world famous, you doesn't get knocked up here, CC.RM, which was also my last ever cycle with my own eggs. As if that wasn't enough, turning thirty then seemed like a death sentence in terms of fertility. My last birthday - 31 was spent recovering from a miscarriage while gearing up for my last FETbegore signing on to use a GC. Last last 4+ years have totally sucked. So much so that I no longer wait for my birthday or wish it so, the numbers get bigger and the pain is still real.

Today marks a new day. I turned 30 weeks pregnant today. It was the first time in a long time where seeing a thirty didn't piss me off, send me over the edge to a depression or cause a hormonally induced anger fit. It felt awesome. This is starting to get real now. A and I are slowly dipping our feet in the we need to get shit before this baby comes pond. We took a first step last week. We walked into a Bab.ies R Us store to have a quick peak. Holy shit. To say that I was a little overwjhelmed would be an understatement. A. was in his dream world happier than a pig in shit to finally be looking at stuff for us, while I was terrified. But we did it. We managed to pick a stroller (Up.pa Ba.by Vis.ta - orange) and have decided that when the time is right, we will start a registry there.

We haven't really done a thing to get our house ready for Little Miss IT. Her nursery will be in A.'s office so we need to clear out his stuff, and get the room fixed nice and pretty. I'm thinking of doing dark purple walls (with a mat/high gloss stripe) and white furniture. I'm planning to accent with yellow. Any paint choice suggestions from Ben.jamin Moo.re are appreciated! Ats as far as I've gotten. I have NO idea where we are going to buy the crib and dresser from, or get bedding or anything else that she may need. We haven't started investigating carseats or other infant care monitors and if (please no) she came today, we would be completely unprepared.

Over the last few days I have been getting myself accustomed to the idea that I need to step up my involvement. Not just for me, but for A. He is so looking forward to decorating a nursery (not because he gives a shit about decor or paint, but for the other obvious reason) that I need to do this for him, for me and for LMI. Maybe this change is happening because with all the other shit that has happened out of my control, this is the one area where I can be prepared, or maybe because she seems to be waaaaay more a drive than before and it is hard to ignore (not that I want to) or maybe hitting 30 weeks is making this rel as she coming in the next two months and time will move fast. Whatever the reason, I'm getting excited.

***

On a separate note, I am SO FUCKING THRILLED for LisainSK and her hubby A on the safe arrival of LN10. If you haven't done so already, p,ease go wish them a huge congrats.

***

I have so much more to say about my GD, but will wait until after my appointment with endo dr, but thanks for all the love and support.

-R.

Silver Lining

2011-06-28T18:46:00.002-04:00

"you have to be gestational to have gestational diabetes" -my mom

Today was a bad day. It was actually one of the worst days I've had in a long time - for sure since learning about I was pregnant. None the less IT SUCKED. I am definitely loosing it, my hormonal lows are beginning to take over and I find myself spending a lot of time crying. (Don't worry, I fully intend to discuss this with SJ tomorrow.).

I attended my first GD class today. There were three of us, I was the youngest and also the only 'intolerant' one. The first thing the nurse said was that no matter what younwere told, you are ALL here because younhave GD and we treat all of you the same. Fuck fuck fuck. The talked about the impact of carbs on the diet and why it is important to maintain appropriate glucose levels and yadda yadda yadda. As the nurse continued to talk, I became overwhelmed. So much so that at two different occasions she stopped talked, directed everyone's attention towards me and asked ifi was ok. I managed to reply yes both times, however in reality I just thinking about was supposed to be done with all this shit - at least for now. My body had failed me yet again (I don't meet any of the criteria to make someone likely to develop GD) and the emotions that came with that realization are to powerful to explain. I am suffocating in self hatred and loathing right now.

When it came time to learning to use my new link, On.e Tou.ch insulin reader, I started to panic. Ok, it's not exactly a needle, but in my FIVE years of IF treatment I have given myself exactly ZERO injections. Until today. I am to test (prick, jab, inject, make bleed, etc) my finger four times a day and record the levels. I am alsos to follow a super strict diet and record everything I am eating. These will be reviewed at my meetings with the dr every two weeks. I feel like I am setting myself up for failure. Like I'm being judged.

I can do this. Of course, sacrifice is my middle name, but pregnancy eating and cravings (not that I have those too often or indulge that often) is the ONLY NORMAL pregnancy thing I did and now even that has been taken away. It just sucks.

A. If you are reading this, I know what I want as a pushing present (a concept that would normally be omitted in our household) a piece of that chocolate cake from The Chee.secake Fact.ory. Not joking.

I know that I am more than blessed to be experiencing a pregnancy and with my genetics to boot, but I seriously can't take anymore stress. Something's gotta give. Today is 29w3d, at this point I hope it make to 36.

At least my mom is right, you have to be gestational to have gestational diabetes. As long as I remember that, I will be ok.

-R.

The V.iew on Surragcy

2011-06-27T09:11:00.002-04:00

This past Friday, the theme for The V.iew was all about surrogacy. I immediately needed to watch to see how they would present the issue as in the past I have not been too pleased with their infertility coverage. Gui.liana Ra.ncic co-hosted and in my opinion did a really good job of putting a public personal face to what real women go through with infertilty. Whoo.pi Gol.dberg began the show by telling the audience that "surrogacy is the new trend in trying to start a baby". To me, the word trend is offensive. People that use surrogacy tonhelp build their families do so because they cannot do it Nother way. It is not the cool thing to do or the in thing, so the word trend was an inappropriate choice.

What I loved about Guil.iana was her openess. Not five minutes into the show she was asked point blanks, if she has considered adoption or surrogacy. Her response was great. She spoke about how it is natural for most people to want a biological baby and that until the Drs tell her thereis a medical reason that it won't work, they will keep trying. She also alluded to the fact that both adoption and surrogacy are not easy answers and are no guarentee. I thought she handled herself well.

Next was She.rri She.pard who when it comes to infertility rubs me the wrong way. For someone who conceived a son through IVF, she sure needs a refresher course on correct terminology. Apparently she is now debating having a second child and has looked into surrogacy, her response was that it is crazy expensive. Ok, it is, but it seems a bit insincere coming from a million dollar tv host.

Eliz.abeth Hass.elback was good. She went right to the hard question for Guil.iana of how infertility has affected her marriage. This brought light to the fact that IF sucks and is hard on a marriage and the people involved.

There were three different stories of surrogacy shared on the show. One from an AMA mother who used a surrogate, one from a family where the mother carried her daughter's triplets and one from the 'Twiblings' article from earlier this year. All three stories brought different perspectives. When I read the article, "Meet the Twiblings" I was immediately impressed and fascinated by the idea and the family that was created. I got a different vibe after seeing them. I must say that I have nothing but huge admiration and respect for the mother. Her vision of using donors and a GC to help create her family was thought out, carried forth with her vision and seems to work for them - it is POLAR OPPOSITE to my views. When A. and I first discussed using a donor, we immediately decided that we wanted an anonymous donor. True, we were not given any viable and heart felt offers, but either way we knew for us, we needed it to be this way. The egg is one part of the equation. It's a big part - the genetics part and it took me a long time to grieve that loss, but once I finally did I knew this was what was right for us. We felt similar about approaching a GC. I wanted to be a part of every detail of her pregnancy, but once MY child was born, it's a see you later kind of situation. Again, you know that I struggled with feelings relating to needing both an egg donor and GC at 31,but you also know that once I was on the path, I didn't look back.

The "Twiblings" are different. They have made their donor and GCs a part of the family. What an incrediblle gift for their children! The carriers are the aunts and the donor is loving referred to as the Fairy God Donor. Love this. I wish I was confident and secure enough to allow this wonderful people I to my life after, but I am not. I don't want the reminder. I want to put that part behind me.

No matter how you would raise your family and the different choices we make, it was a really good representation of the different situations that surrogacy can take. I recommend anyone that is thinking about, using or have used third party assistance to watch the show.

*I know I haven't talked about it much or at all lately, but our plan remains the same as before. The DE embryos waiting for us are our children and we will be using them with me or a GC when the time is right.

-R.

This and That

2011-06-23T15:42:00.002-04:00

Teaching students is officially over for the year and for me, for the next 14 months! Holy crap. Tomorrow is my last official day at school, but I may need to finish up a few things so may still be 'working' here and there. I also told my replacement that I am available to trouble shoot or help with her transition so I will still have my feet in the work pool for a bit.

It was totally weird cleaning out my office. Yes, I have switched jobs a lot in the past few years, but this was different. I had to sort through my stuff to see what I would like to take home vs keep for my return. Weird. Everyone on staff has been so supportive and warm towards me. I have briefly mentioned that it took A LOT to get to this point so people are just thrilled. I have had an amazing professional year and I am having some bitter sweet moments about being off.

Next week A. and I will celebrate our 7th anniversary. If you remember last year, we were in a very dark and bad place and we chose to ignore it. This year is different. We are stronger than ever (not because of the pg, but because of the m/c and the work we did after) and are looking forward to the next chapter of our lives. At our wedding, we had two songs. One which we danced to and one where A. sang to me. He sang, "How Sweet It Is" by James Taylor. We both love his music and it was a really special moment for us at the wedding. So Saturday night, we are going to see James Taylor in concert and will reminisce about the past 7 years and how far we have come. When I think about all that we have endured over the years, I get both upset and proud. It has been hard. Very hard to say the least. We have struggled with money, infertility, our relationship has been tested, but at the end of the day, we made it to the other side. We are strong and in love and ready to take on anything that life throws at us.

Today (28w4d) was my final GTT test. I was worried going in that I would be diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes, but luckily, I am only Glucose Intolerant (I failed 1/3 sections). What this means, remains unclear at the moment. I still need to consult with the Endocrinologist, but we are hoping with diet changes that this will be easily managed. As well, it was decided today that I am no longer able to drive. Being 4"10 and with a large belly, I sit too close to the wheel (almost touching) that it is better for me to be the passenger. I knew this was going to happen, I just thought I had a few more weeks of freedom. At least tomorrow is the last day of work and then I can relax and be chauffeured around!

My final thought for today is a shout out to my friend MTL who is on her way to get her beautiful babies! I am so happy tears literally fill my eyes when I think about them.

-R.

What a Weekend

2011-06-19T21:33:00.002-04:00

This was the busiest I have been in a long time. Almost every minute was planned out, which was both so nice and exhausting at the same time. It started on Saturday with A.'s cousin's Bat Mitzvah. It was so weird being the pregnant lady in the room. People would come over to me and ask me questions and I played the role well. I smiled, said how excited I am and participated in simple pregnancy banter. I did not let on, how scared shitless I am about the pregnancy or the potential complications that are looming over us. Now that I am clearly showing with a big round belly, it feels a bit like an open invitation for people to ask questions - no matter how relevant or give their advice - especially when unsolicited. I guess this is to be expected and I should just get over it. Ok.

It was then off to my parents' house to help my mom prepare for my dad's 60th birthday. We had a family BBQ party and it was a truly special evening. We prepared a slideshow of his life as well as a song, and my extended family wrote a poem. It was really touching. The best par to of the evening was my dad's speech. You should know that he lives to talk and is quite the pro at speeches, but this time was different. He seemed vulnerable. Maybe it was reflecting on his life ot thinking about his future, either way it was special. But I did again see my dad tear up when talking about my soon to be daughter. It is not a secret that we struggled to get pregnant from my extended family, but it also isn't an open book, so I knew why he was so emotional, but probably the other guests didn't notice. None the less, it is another reminder of wanted this baby is to so many people.

Today was filed with Father's Day cheer. We had brunch with my family and again the focus was on my BIL and his first Father's Day. I will admit, that it was much easier to take than Mother's Day, but still difficult at times. The hardest part was remembering last year, when we had learned about our miscarriage and my sister announced her pregnancy to the family. Hard does not describe that memory. I am trying not to dwell on that which I cannot change, but in the last couple of weeks I have found myself retracing old blog posts and going back to those darker days - not really sure what it's about, but it's a need of mine right now.

This afternoon was spent in the kitchen preparing for a Father's Day BBQ for A.'s dad and his sister and BIL. Incant remember the last time I spent hours in the kitchen and boy did my body take notice. I felt like at times I needed to sit down just to catch my breath or release some of the back stress, but it all got done. Everyone enjoyed the meal and had a good time.

Overall, this weekend was much needed to rlace the horrific memories from last year. Sure, we are still not parents, but at least this year we are closer than ever. What a difference a year makes.

***

Today marks 28 weeks or the beginning of the third trimester! It is a huge milestone and I am now starting to believe that this is going to happen. I am hoping that Little Miss IT makes her appearance in 10 weeks, and when you think about it, thats not that far away. After a lot of discussion with A. and some friends and family, we have decided against the prenatal class. My cousin who is a dr. is going to give a short crash session on labour terms and must have information because as she said, in the moment of pain, most women forget everything from class so it's not so worth it anyway. I fel good about this decision and think it's the right choice for me.

Thursday will be my final GD test which will either diagnose or put to rest the gestational diabetes issue. I know that if I do have it, it won't be the end of the world and of coursei am willing to do whatever it takes to Little Miss IT safe and healthy - it will just suck. Wish mr luck.

***

In funnier news, A. And I were in the liquour store getting drinks for the BBQ when I sneezed and needed to leave the store and run to the car immediately. Why? Because I peed myself from the sneeze? WTH?

-R.

I'm A BIt Of A Porker

2011-06-16T17:36:00.001-04:00

I'm petite. Maybe not always in the weight category, but my frame is small. Up until now I have been gaining weight at a normal steady pace averaging a pound a week...until now. I gained 4.4lbs in one week. Holy cow! I don't care about the excessive gain, I actually think its funny. I'm so not one of those people who obsess over what they eat, and how much they workout and so on, but I do try to be healthy. I eat well and am doing my prental videos (although probably not as much as I should). The OB told me that right now the weight is not an issue, but if it happens again next week it could be warning signs for pre-eclampsia. Great.

On the list of my worries, this is at the bottom as I need to prioritize my stress and there are only so many worries I can handle right now. So I'm taking the humour route that I'm a fatty!

In other news, school is almost out for the summer and I am starting to feel anxious about being off work. Its weird, I have wanted and waited for maternity leave for 5 years and now that I am just over a week away, I'm scared. I'm not sure of what exactly, but still scared. Its irrational I know, but I love my job and feel like I'm going to miss it over the next 14 months. I have thought about going back sooner, but not sure if it financially smart. So I'm scared, but crazy excited too.

I wrote my HR department yesterday that I will officially start my maternity leave as of September 1st and I had to keep pinching myself to believe that I was writing this! I'm still crazy reserved about all things pregnancy related but as the weeks move on, I'm getting more in the groove of things.

My one issue right now is whether to take a prenatal class or not. I want a C-Sec for anxiety reasons, but at this point the head is done so not sure how the OB will feel about that (I know there is still time for turning). But, my anxiety over being in that room with all the other pg ladies freaks me out. I can't handle silly pg chatter and I certainly won't do well with labour complications talk. So I'm stuck. We have options and I would love feedback on which path to choose:

1. Suck it up and take the class
2. Do the class privately for more money
3. Avoid the class like the plague and read A LOT

So that's where my head is today. I'm a few days away from T3 and as it happens that will fall on Father's Day (at least something to take away the bitterness and sadness from last year).

-R.

2011-06-10T17:34:00.003-04:00

My heart and thoughts are with my dear friend Lisa as she and her husband are in emotional hell after loosing their beautiful babies this week. the out pouring of love of and support that this community has shown her is just another reason why I am so proud to be a part of it. We stand together and support each other both in times of happiness and extreme sadness. I know that I couldn't have survived the last year without all of you and I am forever grateful for the friendships and community I have found. I know that those in IF or PG loss despair are also in agreement when I say, THANK YOU.

***

In other news, I had my follow- up OB appointment and 2 hour GD test. As usual, the results are inconclusive. First, Little Miss IT seems to be doing really well. I had a biophysical ultrasound (BPP) where she scored 8/8! The test measures four different areas and you either score a 0 or a 2, so we are right on track. In terms of her growing, we need to recheck next week as there needs to be at least two weeks between tests to get accurate results. So we will rescan next week and the week after. Yay for more in depths looks at her. She is starting to get more real to me, having some one on one time with her (and the ultrasound techs) has really helped me to bond with her more. Still, I don't have this intense feelings...yet. Now the GD test part two. I technically passed, but by .1 on 2/3 tests, so my OB is not convinced that I am gestational diabetes free and so we repeat the test in two weeks. Ugh! But, better safe than sorry.

So the plan is to continue to get monitored closely and I know that me and the Little Miss will be ok.

-R.

25w5d

2011-06-02T21:59:00.007-04:00

This is a bitching post please be for warned.

My SIL is pregnant. She told us and some extended family only, but it is still early. So early that she hasn't had an ultrasound to determine a fetal heart, or a uterine pregnancy. To refresh, she got married earlier this year and this was a wanted, but not ovulatary planned pregnancy. Although I am in a better place I am still so envious. For starters this now make both my sister and SIL more than fertile, first try fertile (FTF) and that just really hurts me.

I would not wish IF on my worst enemy, but the first try, seriously?

Aside from being FTF, she also completely naive about the real life effects of pregnancy loss. She is so confident (and I pray she is right) that everything will be fine. I want that for myself. I live every day in fear, and she, in nauseous bliss. The excitement and joy of excitement was ripped from me because of my past. When we learned we were pregnant, my first instinct was anger and resentment, why now, why give me this to take it away? I will admit that am now in a MUCH better place emotionally, but still those scars run deep and witnessing the sheer joy and optimism of pregnancy just makes me realize how much I want that for myself.

***

Yesterday was a cluster fuck of events. It started with a hectic work morning and then a shit show of disaster in the afternoon. The good news is my first test for Fifths Disease came back negative and we had a long and detailed ultrasound today where we got see Little Miss IT up close...so cool! The bad - I failed the 1 hr glucose test. Of course, are you surprised? I'm not. I eat healthy (of course I have a snack here and there, but am a well balanced eater) and my weight gain has been great, 18 pounds so far. I need to go back for the 2 hr test and I know this isn't a diagnosis, but it will mean diet changes at least. For those that know anything about levels, my OBs cut off is 7.8 before the next level of testing and I came in at 8.5. Yikes. Not looking too good. Of course I will happily give up ice cream and fruit and bread to make sure that me and the little miss are healthy, but it still sucks.

The ultrasound today had it's pros. It was performed on a new machine on trial from the company and they even had a rep helping the tech with the ins and outs of it. To get a better feel for the machine, she took her time scanning me and even pointed out the different parts. It was really cool to see her fully formed features and I even think she has A's facial structure. AND, my cervix is long and closed. Relief! The con was that the accuracy of scan is questionable. In true R. style, we had a scary result and needed a redo scan. The new machine clocked her growth as small. The 10th percentile. Not good. To be fair, I am petite and was not expecting a big baby, but the word small is scary. The second ultrasound on the older machine found her growth to be petite at the 30th percentile. Much better, but which do you believe? Again I find myself in the situation where I need to trust and believe. OB believes in the older machine, but we are going to rescan next week and move from there.

Can't anything be easy for once?

Ok, bitchy rant over. I want to leave off with a close up of my beauty, Little Miss IT!

One year ago

2011-05-25T17:02:00.002-04:00

Last year on this day I was in Denver for my first DE transfer. I was so filled with hope and anticipation and so was A. I remember waking up in the Home.wood and answering the call from embryology about my ideas for how many to thaw and transfer. I remember how when A was there for the retrieval he had a special breakfast of themed "egg" foods and specific reasons for eating them. I remember lying on the table having my acupuncture appointment and Dr. Schoo.craft coming in for the transfer and me saying that this was the last time he would see me. I remember watching the season finale of Gre.ys Ana.tomy eating P.F. Changs (remember the shootout?). I remember every part of that trip and the excitement/anticipation I felt surrounding it.

The transfer was successful and we saw our first ever positive pee stick. The next few days were those of sheer happiness and then in an instant our lives were turned upside down. It started with spotting and then a couple of ultrasounds that showed no fetal heartbeat. The next days were spent agonizing over which treatment would be quicker, better for my already shitty uterus and cause less pain. Ultimately the miscarriage changed me in a way I didn't know was possible. My marriage was so deeply threatened that there were many many time I didn't know if we would survive. But we did. I did.

Fast forward a year and A and I both are such different places. We are happy, our marriage is stronger than ever and we are finally close to becoming parents. When I think back to the he'll of last year it was started by this anniversary. I have been in a fog all day and couldn't really understand why. It is the enormity of it all. The looking back on how much we've been through and how far we've come. I don't take moments for granted. I cherish the fact that I am in this better place - especially when I know many others are not.

For my friends who are in emotional hell right now, I am so sorry. I can only hope that next year will better.

-R.

24 Weeks!

2011-05-22T20:38:00.002-04:00

Happy viability day to me! Today was all around awesome day. I woke up early to bake Bare.foot Cont.essa double chocolate brownies (holy shit they're good) and then came back to bed to wake up with the sound of Little Miss IT's heartbeat. We had brunch with his family and then saw Th.or (I hated it, A loved it) followed by dinner with my family.

Wow, it was an emotional and exhausting day. I'm a broken record already I know, but how in the he'll did I get here? As each day passes and we get further along, I find myself beginning to feel more connected. It helps a lot knowing that I have an amazing medical team that is working hard to alleviate my anxieties and that both A and I have felt her kick. I think it's kind of creepy, but reassuring none the less.

Work is super busy right now trying to get the students ready for exams and plan for next year, but I continue to enjoy every minute of being there. I continually remind myself how proud I am of myself fir taking the leap and quitting my awful job last year. Overall I am a much happier person.

This post is happy, that's a positive change, I hope it continues. Today I am feeling good. I'm having an emotionally stable day and physically feeling well so I count this as a major milestone for me. Thank you to those who told me I would feel connected in my own way and time, you were right. I still can't say, "I'm pregnant" or anything similar and I have terrible anxiety towards any group prenatal activites, but I'm making small steps.

Sorry I haven't blogged or commented much lately, I have been overwhelmed by work and other non-pg related stuff, but I am still reading. Thank you for continuing to support me, as always it helps me get through the day.

-R.

22W2D

2011-05-11T18:01:00.000-04:00

Yesterday morning I had some spotting. It was pink and very light. I wasn't totally freaked out (so weird for me), but I still decided to call OB since I was going there for an appointment for my blood pressure anyway.

OB did an internal exam and my cervix is closed, but measured 2cm - not good. Off to the ultrasound I went for a "cervical check and viability scan". Holy shit this is serious I thought.

It turns out that everything is fine. It was uterine bleeding, but so faint that it was undetected on the ultrasound. My good old friend 'dildo cam' and I were reuinited and it revealed that my cervix is much longer than anticipated (internals not as accurate) and the crisis was averted.

What was funny for me was the amount of prep that they gave me before the transvaginal exam. I explained that I have had hundreds of these scans, but they still needed to follow protocol and explain everything.

What I am most happy about was my reaction. I did not jump to worse case scenarios at first (unlike my friend who shall remain nameless ;)) and I remained calm and focused during the L-O-N-G investigation yesterday. I also found myself telling Little Miss IT (who is still a girl) not to worry and that I would protect her. Huge progress for me on the bonding issue. So proud of myself for that.

The OB could not find a reason to explain the spotting, but told me not to worry, but if it comes back to go back and see him or go to the ER.

Today I am blood free and feeling good. I'm just so thankful for another day.

-R.

Raging Hormones

2011-05-08T10:19:00.004-04:00

I have become a raging hormonal beyotch! Seriously, I can't seem to get my hormones in check and it is starting to scare me.

Yesterday was an emotional day for me. It was brought to my attention just how fucked up IF and my personal journey has made me. People are afraid of me. Not in the I'm going to hurt you kind of way, but more in the don't talk to her about her pregnancy or anything slightly related as we don't know how she will react. Yup, apparently, I have put out the vibe for everyone to pretend as if I am not pregnant. Wow. That's news to me.

To be fair, I have never been one to gush over something and I am not such a touchy feely kind of person, so I would never have been all over this belly of mine anyway...but I can see how I am a bit of ticking time bomb, but can you blame me? The last five years have been plagued with nothing but heartache, fear, anxiety, depression, loss... Of course I am guarded. Of course I am scared to death - especially now with my newest set of anxieties, however I am keeping those worries at bay and am doing a pretty job of it.

I am mad. Mad at everyone that is judging me right now. Who do they think they are? A. has always been the eternal optimist and in his heart he knew everything would be ok (this drives me NUTS) so as much as he longed for a child and was devastated with each disappointment, failure and loss - he didn't allow it to destroy him. On the outside he was the same optimistic person he has always been. Pair that up with me, and well you have a couple of polar opposites.

I thought I was doing well. I talk about the pregnancy when I can, and even had A's family listen to the heartbeat on the doppler. I wear maternity clothes and make reference to Little Miss IT and her arrival on an ongoing basis. BUT, I am not keen on anyone except A. touching my belly - at least not until there is definitive movement and I am not all roses and sunshine all the time. I am scared shitless.

I still have a hard time around babies and toddlers - especially those conceived since we have been TTCing. I don't go out of my way to engage them and apparently their parents get upset. Really? How fucking stupid is that? In the last three weeks, two different sets of parents have commented to A. that I did not seem that taken by their children. Seriously? WTH? These are both from people that know intimately what we have gone through and even if they didn't, who cares. I didn't realize that the proper protocol for seeing a friend's child is to stop everything and devote all your time to their infant or toddler - that doesn't know me. Are these people for real? Am I wrong? And besides, it was not as if I ignored them and their children, I said hello and made a comment about how cute their child was, but that was probably all. I guess that wasn't good enough.

I hate feeling judged. I told A. that I don't want to be around people who scrutinize every thing I do with their higher than thou microscope. I can't take it. If I could live in a private bubble, I would.

I honestly don't know how to move past this. I am not going to change in the next four months. I continue to worry about the fate of this pregnancy and Little Miss IT. I don't want to share the intimate details of my anxiety with the world, nor should I have to, but I feel that people demand this. It is so unfair that this time in my life is being tainted by selfishness. I have every right to act and behave however I choose and if people don't get that, they can fuck themselves in my opinion. A. agrees with me, but not enough to let people have it when they come to him with their stupid shit. UGH.

Today is Mother's Day (like we all could forget) and although I am not yet a mother, I am closer than I have ever been. I should be happy today. I should be celebrating the huge milestone that is approaching. I should be excited that I am two weeks away from viability, but unfortunately, I am mess like every year. This year should be different - and in many ways it is, but there is still profound sadness in my heart. Being pregnant does not take away the pain of the last five years nor does it make you forget. For me it was the opposite. It is a constant reminder of how life is unpredictable and we are not in control of anything. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful to be here and the bonding between me and Little Miss IT has definitely started, but that is separate. I can't forget my past as it makes me appreciate my present. I am not taking one minute of this miracle for granted, but I am also very aware that we are far from the other side.

I am sure this post came across like a rambling mess, but that's what I have in me right now. I don't have the strength to talk about my real Mother's Day feelings or seeing my sister and niece today. I just don't have it in me. I'm tired of feeling like a failure and a depressed mess. I am tired of people commenting on my every move. I am just so tired of all of this. Thanks for reading and supporting me. I know today is excruciatingly difficult for so many and I don't want to come across as insensitive or ungrateful. I am going to blame the hormones for my irrational behaviour and emotions.

-R.

Different Kinds of Therapy

2011-05-05T09:08:00.004-04:00

Over the last few years, I have discovered that there are many different kinds of therapy that help me cope depending on what shitty situation life has thrown at me that day.

Coffee. This one has always been a pick me up, however I wasn't always able to indulge when I was doing the non-caffeine thing. For me, there is nothing better than sitting in a nice coffee shop, drinking a flavoured latte (I prefer skim milk vanilla) and reflecting on my day. Ahhh, pure heaven.

TV. I am somewhat addicted to television. I am sure I have mentioned once or twice that I have been religiously watching Young and the Restless since I was little. I feel like I grew up in Genoa City and it is really my happy place. I am also a huge Gleek! I just can't get enough of the songs and dance. I haven't seen this week's episode yet, however last week with the slogan T-shirts, I was amazed. I thought the idea of printing across your chest the one thing you would change about yourself was awesome. The final song to Born This Way when they were wearing the T-shirts was a truly powerful moment. I would also encourage you to get into is The Good Wife. I have loved Julianna since her days on ER and who doesn't love Mr. Big? So really, it has everything. And then there is are my favourite summer shows, Mad Men, Boardwalk Empire and The Next Food Network Star!

Acupuncture/hypnosis/SJ. Never in a million years would I have thought that I, little miss Science and medicine based would find comfort in these things. FIrst is my SJ. I could not survive without her. Having a safe place to vent, cry and scream has been an amazing support for me. Last year when I literally couldn't pick myself up off the floor, she got me through. Currently she is helping keep a handle on my newest source of anxiety and I am truly grateful for the support and friendship she has shown me. Did I really put acupuncture as a therapy? I HATE needles, but there is something calming about my acupuncturist and her magic little sticks, I always seem to leave in a better place then when I started. And of course, there is my hypnosis CD. I was totally skeptical of this, but once I started listening, I just couldn't stop. I felt my anxiety going away and I was able to get through some difficult lining issue/transfer fear periods.

Shopping. Obviously I saved the best for last. In my darkest moments, I find comfort in stores. I am not addicted to buying, just the shopping experience. I am happy to go and help a friend pick out something, or my mom and now shopping for my niece has been super fun - another thing I NEVER thought I would be able to do. Last week my mom, sister and niece took me maternity clothes shopping across the boarder to try and lift my spirits. Although it didn't make me forget, I was able to have an enjoyable day and do A LOT of damage on the credit card. So I leave you with this picture of the change room from Des.tination Mat.ernity...and yes, I bought most of it!

So I ask you, what is your therapy that helps you get through the day?

-R.

Decision

2011-04-26T16:38:00.002-04:00

A and I spent last night and this morning going back and forth between doing the amnio vs not. We decided today that we are not willing to risk a miscarriage and therefore not going to do the amnio. This decision is not an easy one as there are ramifications that will last forever, but for us it is the lesser of two evils.

We spoke with the genetics dr at the lab where the results came from and she said that she would trust the NT results from the OB's office over the RE. Again, my OB is part of a MFM clinic (Sunnybrook) which is one of the best in Canada so I feel extremely comfortable in trusting their technology, technicians and drs. She also reiterated the point that a 1:55 is still a 98% chance that nothing is wrong and that even with a 1:2500, there is always the chance that you are the 1. I think if we had learned this result a few weeks ago (like 5-7) our feelings towards doing the amnio would be different. The thought of labouring a miscarriage (healthy or not) or having a therapeutic abortion (as they call it in the medical world) are two options that A. and I can not handle - especially since it will be a viable fetus by that point. That pretty much sealed the deal for us.

I am still really freaked out, stressed, nervous and angry...but have that same sense of calm I get once I know my plan. A. has all the faith and confidence in the world that everything will be ok and I am hoping he is right. I can't deal with his overly flowerly rainbows and positivity right now, and thankfully he gets that. I told him that all the positive progress I had made over the weekend is now gone and probably won't return. I am ok with that. Everything was going smoothly when I was living in pregnancy denial and not attaching myself so I am going back to that place.

I am sure that over the next four months, I will have moments (many many moments) where I second guess this decision and probably vent about it here, but right now I am comfortable with the choice I made. I just can't take the risk of a miscarriage - especially when the odds are in my favour that everything will be ok. Do we want a child with Down Syndrome or any other special needs? No, of course not, but we will love her and take care of her and be the best parents we can be if that is the next hurdle that life throws our way. At this point, we are out of time and out of options. I will not terminate a viable pregnancy and will not put myself at increased risk for a miscarriage. Little Miss IT is too precious and as her mommy it is my job to protect her.

Thank you for sharing your personal stories, thoughts, prayers and opinions with me. The different perspectives definitely helped make this decision. It was not easy and I truly believe that there is no right or wrong here, it is just what is right for us right now.

-R.

It Dropped

2011-04-25T16:37:00.002-04:00

I knew I shouldn't let myself believe in miracles...or read that book. I read one fucking chapter and disaster has hit. I get a call from the OB's office this morning that my Dr. has requested I go see him to discuss my test results. Um what?! The receptionist wouldn't give me any information as to what results so I called A., my sister and dad in full on hyperventilation mode. Luckily dad was able to get a hold of the dr who said there was a discrepancy between my first NT Scan results and his.

I knew this was going to happen. I predicted this exact scenario two months ago which is why I asked not to be told the results from the REs office. To recap, RE measured the NT fluid at 2.6 and OB at 1.7. OB did FST screening and the results came back in two weeks with a risk of 1:2400. RE did IPS screening, but when I didnt go back for the second set of bloodwork, the lab did FST and the results were just sent to the OB. The risk came back at 1:55. Holy fuck. Cue instant hyperventilating and extreme crying.

We managed to get a hold of the RE scan from the radiologist and after careful review, my OB trusts his results as the other was over magnetized and unable to get a clear view - but I don't know. You can't unheard a number like 1:55. All the bloodwork came back with the same normal readings on both tests and the other information was comparable as well.

In my logical head I know not to trust the RE. I know that they have fucked me over time and time again, but still. OB stands by his scan, but I just don't know what to do. Inam debating an amnio. On the one hand we find out definitively whether or not the baby has Downs, but there is a 1:900 risk of miscarriage. My OB is an MFM and has done thousands of amnios, but there is still a risk. He told me with an amnio you get the results in 2 days, but Then you have the added worry of miscarriage. I honestly don't know what I would do if I learned that my baby had Downs. I am not sure if I would terminate or not, not sure if I feel comfortable bringing an unhealthy child into the world, not sure how I feel about knowing in advance over not knowing. There are so many thoughts in my head that I just don't know what to think or do. All I know is that if I do have the amnio and miscarry regardless of the findings I won't recover, but if I don't I'm not sure how I will survive the next 16ish weeks.

I don't need any judgement, just advice. What would you do? I knew this was all too good to be true!

-R.

Reading

2011-04-24T23:12:00.005-04:00

I am not your stereotypical teacher. I don't love reading. I like it and have found some books that I devoured in a day, "The Kite Runner" for example is at the top of my list as well as some others, but on the whole reading is just not something that I crave...unless it's mindless chick lit (don't make fun). My favorite series would have to be "Shopaholic" - of course. My BFF and I have read each book in a matter of hours and always managed to purchase the newest one immediately after release. So far my favorite is still the original, but there is one book left that I just haven't been able to read, "Shopaholic and Baby".

The release date was 2007, the same year we began TTC and at first I wanted to wait to read it until I was pregnant. But obviously that didn't happen. At the time BFF wasn't married so waiting to read the book didn't seem realistic, but in was pretty sure I would be reading it within a few months. After at least a year I put the book away in a drawer as it was just another reminder of my stupid IF controlling me and not letting me do what I wanted.

This week I found the book. I have glanced at it a few days and even put it on my nightstand, but still haven't felt the urge to read...until right now. Something is definitely happening to me. I am beginning to feel more comfortable with the idea that I am pregnant and will be a mom...soon. It started with the anatomy scan (like you said it would) and finding out the sex and then starting to feel movement. Since my placenta is anterior (at the front) they told me not expect to feel anything for a while, so this is really a surprise. Today marks my halfway point - 20 weeks and to be able to feel Little Miss IT move has brought me to a new level. A place of happiness and excitement about what is ahead.

I know that for the remainder of this pregnancy I be scared and on edge, but I am ready to take the next step. I am finally ready to pick up my book that I have waited so long to read.

-R.

All Good

2011-04-21T18:13:00.004-04:00

Today was a big day. I didn't sleep much in anticipation and was pretty tired during the scan - I think it was better this way. We got to the hospital right for 10am and we were brought into the ultrasound room within 5 minutes. A. was able to come in the room so he was my eyes. The sonographer was nice enough, however she didn't talk much. At times she said, "here is the bladder" or "this is the kidney", but that was it. All I could tell was IT was moving a lot. So much that she couldn't get all her measurements. The radiologist was called in.

Insert panic stricken face here.

She was lovely. She explained that so far everything looked good, but they just needed a few more measurements. Found them instantly! When the scan was over, we were given a picture (no profile as IT wouldn't stay still long enough) and then we met with the OB.

He reaffirmed that everything looked normal and good. My placenta is in the right place, not far down, no sign of previa of any kind and I also asked him (made him) check my cervix which he said was firm and closed.

I now feel a little more relaxed and calm. I know the next four weeks leading to viability will be stressful, but I can handle it. I am so incredibly grateful for all of this. Thank you for all the support as always.

And now I present to you...

Little Miss IT

And her mommy...

-R.

2011-04-20T17:38:00.003-04:00

Today was spent organizing my receipts for filling my taxes. I started off with a stack a mile high of receipts, bills, invoices, etc and I instantly became overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. As I began sorting through the re opts I was taken back to each moment. I remembered the hotel stays, meals and shopping trips. I pictured myself in the transfer room, having the acupuncture treatments pre and post transfers and sitting in the office speaking with the Dr. after the latest devastating news.

2010 was the worst year of my life. Spending the afternoon with the reminders literally tore my heart out. As I reached for an envelope containing my massage receipts I was surprised to find the ultrasound pictures from last May. I didn't realize I had kept reminders of that pregnancy. It is still so painful and at times feels so fresh. It brought me right back to the darkest place - a time where my faith in myself, my body, modern medicine and of course my marriage was shattered. A place I hope to never return to.

I still can't believe or understand how I got to this new place. I am jaded and scared about this pregnancy all the time. Yes, I have moments where I allow myself to think that this may actually have a happy ending, but most of the time I don't go there. A. has been really supportive of my nervousness, but he (rightly so) is sick and tired of letting IF and fear dictate our lives. He is right, but I have a hard time letting go of my years of disappointment and believing that this time is different.

Everyday I am amazed at how my body is changing and adapting to pregnancy. I am getting bigger and it is a thrill ton watch it happen. But what will tomorrow bring?

Tomorrow is our anatomy scan and we plan to find out the gender. More importantly it is supposed to the turning point for me in terms of my attitude towards this pregnancy. If I learn that everything is ok and progressing as it should than I am going to try really hard to get my hard and heart in a better place. Maybe I will even rub my belly? Please let tomorrow go well. Please please please.

-R.

Preparations

2011-04-17T15:47:00.003-04:00

No, not for a baby...for Passover! This weekend was spent cleaning for Pesach. We literally scrubbed every inch of our kitchen and removed all the wheat/yeast/bread - chometz from the house. A. was a huge help as usually I do most of the cleaning, but I couldn't do everything this year. I will admit that it is nice to have a house that has just been "spring cleaned" from head to toe.

Aside from the cleaning I also did all my food shopping. We restock our fridge and pantry with only Kosher For Passover products so it is a big deal and quite expensive, but what can you do. This afternoon I decided to get a head start on my baking so I made this. I hope it tastes as good as it looks! The only difference was that I made a crust out. Of ground nuts and sugar - no flour. I think that will be fine.

My plan for the rest of today and tomorrow is to rest as much as possible so that I will be all set for the Seders. I think back to last year and remember gearing up for my DE FET and how filled with hope I was. I am in a much different place this year, but the feeling of hope is still there. As I reflect on the meaning behind Passover - when God brought the Jews out of slavery - I feel that I too was brought out from my slavery. My IF plagued me. It brought out the worst in me and took me to dark sad scary places that I didn't know existed. I continue to be scared to death every day for this pregnancy, but am also extremely grateful that I am finally in this place. Today marks 19 weeks, can you believe it? I still can't.

To those that celebrate I wish you a Chag Sameach - Happy and Healthy Passover.

-R.

Recap of Events

2011-04-13T20:44:00.003-04:00

My brother's wedding was beautiful. He was the handsome groom and she, the stunning bride. They looked so in love and happy. I can't believe my baby brother (25) is now a married man...oh how I feel old. The weekend was filled with family events and good times all around. My dress came out beautifully and it managed to give me a waist! It is still so unbelievable to me that I finally wore the maternity to a wedding. There have been so many 'what ifs' over the past five years that it was a bit surreal to actually be wearing a dress in the correct size for once. During cocktail hour it was a bit too much for me to handle emotionally at times. There were many guests who I haven't seen since they heard our news and the congratulations and heart felt thoughts were overwhelming. I didn't cry, but I did need to take some time for myself. It was just another reminder of how long people have actually been waiting for this news. I am so lucky to have so many people who care about and love A. and myself.

***
Yesterday I had a follow-up appointment with the OB Internist to check on my blood pressure. It came in board line at 140/90. She again reminded me that between 20-24 weeks the blood pressure naturally drops and we need to see where mine lands at that point. I am to take my pressure once daily at home for the next two weeks and then go back.

***

Today was my dreaded eye appointment to check on the fluid around the macula. Thankfully the specialist didn't see any fluid and told me eye is normal! Such a relief. I have been so terribly worried about that needle going into my eye I have lost sleep over it. Crisis averted. Next stop...cyst eyelid draining on Tuesday and anatomy scan on Thursday!

-R.

Lots Going On

2011-04-09T09:01:00.002-04:00

I have full on pregnancy brain. I can't find my words and I am forgetting everything these days. Sometimes it's funny (for others to watch), but like on Wednesday it was so not. I wore a hairband - something that doesn't happen regularly and it literally threw me off my game. It was sunny when I was driving to work so I put my glasses on top of my head and put on my sunglasses. When I got to work, I couldn't find my glasses. I could see enough to not fall over or anything, but everything was a blur and in had a terrible headache from squinting. After work was when it happened. I had a hormonal breakdown. I was in the car with A. and i lost it. We were on our way to the rehearsal for my brother's wedding and the tears and emotional crying just started flowing. I was hysterical that I wouldn't be able to see the wedding and how I don't have time to get new glasses. We called my optometrist at home and figured out a plan. I calmed down a bit. The next morning I found my glasses on my nightstand. The stupid hairband confused me and inlet the house without them. I felt like a complete idiot.

I still needed to see the eye Dr as I have a cyst like thing on my lid and I needed a new prescription so I went Thursday after work. The cyst turns onto be no big deal, but it will need to be drained -OUCH, but more concerning was what else he found. Fluid is now around my macula. Apparently this is bad and can be cause by...................stress. Why would i have stress? Oh fuck. I have an appointment set-up for this week with the specialist to figure this all out.

***
Last night was the stagette for my soon-to-be SIL. Her andd her friends are all early twenties so I was sure that pregnancy and babies wouldn't be a huge topic of conversation. I was wrong. I overhears one of her friends saying something aboutnshe will never have a child and that of course she would have problems. I did interrupt to her and told her to not worry herself right now (she been married for a month). She said that today she was told by a OBGYN that she has a 40% chance conceiving. I again told her to not listen to an OBGYN and go see a RE if she has legitimate concerns. She then asked if I have " done the fertility meds" oh honey you have no idea..." yes". I left it at that as I didn't think it was the appropRiate time to get intoit, but plan to connect with her this weekend and help her understand her options and answer any questions she may have.

***

It's my brother's wedding tomorrow! I'm so excited. The wedding will be at a hotel so A. and I will be staying over for two nights. Infeel like we are getting a stay cation. And it couldn't come at a better time.

-R.

Let's Talk About...

2011-04-03T16:45:00.003-04:00

S-E-X! (This is going to be a TMI kind of post so consider yourself forewarned)

I have been petrified to have sex or anything close to that since I found out I was pregnant. Seriously, the last time we did the deed was back on Christmas Day. A. being a typical male wanted to for some time, but totally understood my reasons for being scared shitless of the idea so we abstained. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sex and have thought about it..a lot, but my fears have taken over. When I went to the OB this week I asked about it and he said it was ok...so last night, ahem (awkward pause) we finally did it.

I have heard that sex while pregnant feels different (for the better), but honestly, it didn't. It wasn't bad or anything, but I was just so nervous of pain or hurting IT or causing some sort of damage that I really couldn't get into it. Is this normal? It also started to get uncomfortable with my ever growing belly to find positions that worked.

So I ask, please tell me a)that you agree with the OB that sex is safe and b)how to do it so I am more comfortable.

Thanks!

***
In response to my last post, I'm guessing my views on sex clearly add to my loony status, but whatever. To those who inquired about my OB, I really like him. I don't think my thoughts about him came across to well. I though it was awesome that he knew that I would be anxious about the anatomy scan and therefore booked his follow-up for immediately after. He is an MFM and spends a lot of time with each of his patients answering all their questions, I just think he doesn't give in to unfounded worry (as in checking the cervix). Also in Canada, we don't just get tests and ultrasounds because we ask as we are a publicly funded healthcare system.

They Think I'm a Loony

2011-04-01T15:07:00.002-04:00

Yup, the OB's office that is. I had my 16w appointment yesterday and thankfully all is still fine - although how they know I am still unsure. I am still not used to the inner workings of the OB office and I find myself treating it like an RE. I had the first appointment of the day, 9am so thinking it was like an RE, I got there at 8am so that I would truly be first. It so doesn't work like here. You just show up when its your appointment and then they take you. So weird. I actually met with three professionals yesterday - all think I'm nuts.

The first was the NP who went over the upcoming anatomy scan (April 21) and what to expect. She told me it is quite long and that I should bring snacks as sometimes the baby doesn't move enough for them to see all the organs. She explained that the ultrasound will be done on one day and then I am to come back later in the week to get the results and see the dr. Ok, I don't love this idea, but I didn't say anything about it. She then continued on with the appointment - checking my blood pressure (high) and then asking if I had any questions. I explained that I wanted my cervix checked to make sure that it was long and closed. She looked at me like I was crazy. I explained my fears and why I had them, but she still would not agree to check without some symptoms.

The second was the OB Internist who I see because of my blood pressure and acid reflux disease. I continue to take my reflux meds and therefore I haven't experienced additional GI problems...yet (I am told they are to come). This will be a serious problem when it occurs as I am already on very high prescription strength medications. Oh well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. We then talked about my blood pressure. I wore a 24 hr monitor a couple of weeks ago and the results were not great. Currently, my bp gets high during the work day, but does drop when I am at home. I asked for meds so that I don't have to worry about it, however she would rather wait. She explained that in pregnancy, our bp naturally drops between 20-24w pregnancy and she wants to wait to see what my body will do. I am to be monitored every two weeks though and adjustments to this plan may happen. She also said in passing that I should not get too comfortable at work - uh oh.

The third was the OB himself. He first spent a long time reorganizing my file (binder) and then meticulously read over the notes from the other two. He did not mention my cervix even though my concerns were written in his chart. He seems happy with my progress, however he did not use a Doppler or an ultrasound so how does he really know things are still ok? I know from my at home Doppler, but seriously? He then explained the anatomy scan to me in greater detail and told me that for me, I need to have both the scan and meeting with him on the same day. I like this better, but again didn't say anything. He wrote a long note in my file for the receptionist...I didn't understand at the time. When I went to book the appointments, the receptionist seemed puzzled. Apparently, at this clinic no one ever has their anatomy scan and dr appointment on the same day as it takes up too much time and screws up their entire day. Now I see that he really thinks I'm nuts and can't wait the extra two days in between. Fine by me.

Anyway, things continue to go well physically. Emotionally is another story. I had my appointment with SJ yesterday as well and she is starting to get concerned about the fact that I am not connecting with IT at all. She still is waiting until after the anatomy scan before really getting worried, but like her I am upset about it. I don't feel anything towards this - except fear. I still don't spend much time thinking about it, but I do find a reassurance in the Doppler although just knowing it is there is enough. I would love to hear stories from those of you who had similar trouble connecting and what helped.

-R.

I Need a New Soap Box

2011-03-22T21:05:00.002-04:00

I am so sick of people talking about how difficult life is when you have kids and you just don't know until you have them. Um, shut the fuck up. I have a pretty good idea of how difficult life can be WITHOUT children, but my pain and hardships are sidelined as I am not a mom. Tonight I was in my last class and the discussion turned to new teachers. The point was made that new teachers have no home life and with no family they have easy lives and all the time in the world to dedicate themselves to their work. What? I was so upset. I spoke my piece, but I think I got a beat too heated.

I have no children, but I would not say that my life is easy. We don't need a recap, but none of our lives have been easy. Yes, I completely understand that life will be hard when we add children. We will be busy and stuff will come up, but seriously, to imply that people's lives without children are useless and boring. No, enough is enough. Some people just don't have a clue.

Ok, rant over.

-R.

Moments of Normalcy

2011-03-20T17:28:00.002-04:00

I have heard IT's heartbeat a few times now and I continue to be amazed. My dad came over this afternoon with the Doppler so that A. and I could have a listen, we were able to find it after a few short seconds and it seemed louder. It sounds to me like IT has a strong heartbeat around 156 and that makes me happy. It is also so much louder and more pronounced now. Cool.

After the high of hearing the heartbeat, I allowed myself a few minutes of fun on the Internet searching names. Oy, are A. and I going to have trouble! We have different philosophies for how we should name a child. Let me start by saying that in Judaism, we name after the dead and it can be with the direct name or the same first initial. I am of the opinion that the name is more important than gender where A. feels that a girl should be named after a grandmother and a boy after a grandfather. We have one name that is kicking around that meets both criteria, but I am no where close to committing (we also are going to find out the sex and that will help narrow our choices). Either way, it is going to be stressful as we are both such strong minded, opinionated and stubborn people...but I am not for one second forgetting that I would LOVE to fight with A. over this!

Today marks 15 weeks. I still can't believe it. Although today, I allowed myself a few moments of normalcy, typically I still haven't acknowledged this. I do catch a glimpse of my changing (or growing) body, but don't necessarily equate that with what is inside it. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will allow this blase anxious attitude to continue until the anatomy scan and if everything looks good, I need to get over it and start dealing with this.

***

In other non-related news, I have spent the entire weekend working on my final project for my course. It is due on Tuesday and is now 90% finished. I just need to grab a few more items from work tomorrow and then put the finishing touches on. I am so proud of myself for working so hard on my career over the past years while TTC. It has given me some focus and perspective. Since beginning our TTC journey, I have worked at 4 schools and completed 4 courses - the last being right now. Work has been something that I could rely on (except for the mess of last year and my disaster of a job which thankfully I quit and have no regrets) and feel proud about. It was something that I could control when it seemed like the rest of my life was spinning out of control. Tuesday's course completion will symbolize an ending for me. It will be the end of my formal education for my career (as I will have all the qualifications needed) and hopefully be a way to leave the last 4+ years behind and focus on the future. Today, I am optimistic that my future will be bright, which is something I haven't thought for a really long time.

-R.

Anxiety Roots - UPDATE

2011-03-17T08:57:00.004-04:00

I was so scared to be "out". It brought a new level of anxiety to my world that I didn't even know existed. I had panic attacks, sleepless nights and freak outs. It.Sucked. Thankfully I convinced Dr Dad to order me an ultrasound so that I could reassure myself that IT was still there, with a beating heart and all, everything is fine. We were also able to pick up the heartbeat on the Doppler (which was the first time we actually heart it) and this alleviated my stress. I now can relax and wait until my next OB appointment in two weeks.

My NT results still are not yet in, which is frustrating. I feel like I just need that extra bit of reassurance that things are going on the way they should. Hopefully they will be in soon, but I am trying to hold on to this calmer place that I have found and am not stressing too much about it. Its progress.

People have been so unbelievably amazing towards me when they hear the news. I have never been one to shy away from the fact that I have IF, but have never publicized each IVF attempt, BFN and m/c either. But as I need to keep reminding myself, when you have been married for 7 years with no children and your younger sibling is a mother, people make assumptions (correct ones in my case). Either way, I feel a bit like a celebrity. It is almost as if people feel ok sharing their stories of IF with me because I get it. People are also surprising me with their reactions. Friends that I have lost touch with, and coworkers that I barely know continue to shower me with genuine love and happiness...it is both wonderful and overwhelming.

I feel like I don't want to let anyone down and this is where the anxiety stems from. Yes, in my head I realize that a m/c at this point would be a slim possibility, but what about all the other complications (high blood pressure, incompetent cervix...) to think of then telling all these people bad news, is at times too much to think about. This is partly why I am what I am, an anxious mess. But as I have said, I am doing better. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is happening and TO ME. This is something that I have worked so hard for for so long and now it may be a reality.

To those of you still waiting for your turn, I know that it may be hard for you to read about me and my story and for that I am sorry. As always I think of all of us and hope that we all get our happy endings...soon.

-R.

UPDATE: OB's office called today with my NT risk assessment. Thankfully it came in extremely low at 1:2442! I am so relieved.

Affirmation

2011-03-12T18:34:00.002-05:00

Yesterday should have been my transfer with the GC. I have been thinking a lot lately whether I made the right decision to cancel and not move forward with her or someone else right away...today, I got my affirmation.

We had been going back and forth with AL over tying up the loose ends, getting the medications back from GC and other things. A. was going out of tonight to see a concert and would be driving close to her town so he was going to stop by her apartment and pick them up. Yesterday, I heard that she would be in my city at a dr and I could pick them up from her. Great, that is so much easier. So A. and I woke up early, did the 45 min drive to the dr and waited for 45 min. She.didn't.show.up. After many text messages, and voice mails, we finally left without the medications only to get a text an hour later saying that she decided to go tomorrow instead. What a beeyotch! I don't know how I was so wrapped up in everything before to feel ok about her. Boy did she fool me.

Needless to say, I am so happy that I listened to my head and didn't go through with yesterday's transfer.

-R.

Wonderful Weekend

2011-03-07T06:58:00.002-05:00

The weekend was amazing. It started on Friday, when I told my boss. I was so nervous all day, I felt like I was constantly running to the bathroom, but...I did it. I managed to tell her, without saying the actual words (haven't been able to do that yet). She was really excited for me and guessed that it was a long time in the making...sigh. To be expected I guess.

Friday night we told my extended family. We were at my parents for Shabbat dinner and it was just my immediate family and my three grandparents. A. did the telling and the response was overwhelming. My grandfather was so happy and animated (which is always a good thing) and my grandmother was immediately brought to tears. My boobie, was in a bit of shock. It took her 11 years to have my mother and she was unable to have more children, so she has felt this kinship with me (even though we have never discussed IF or my TTCing). After a good hour, she processed what we said, and was just so happy. It was a moment I will never forget. I think the best/hardest part of the telling was my father's reaction. After we told the grandparents, he excused himself to the other room and just started bawling. Watching your father cry is never easy, even with it because of extreme joy. It reaffirmed how much A. and I are loved. It also made me realize that I don't think my dad ever thought we would actually get to this place. He has always remained cautiously optimistic throughout it all, but now I realize that he was probably doing that to protect me. In any case, the memories of the moment will never fade.

My aunts and uncles and cousins came for dessert and A. again got to tell them. Again, the room was filled with love and excitement.

I will say that as much as I cherish the fact that we were/are in this place, I wanted the night to be over. The emotion was too much at times and I was feeling overwhelmed and anxious. I didn't enjoy myself. I was so focused on trying to hide my tears (as I am not sure what emotion they were from) and ignoring my extremely nervous stomach, that I wanted to go home. It was just too much. Wonderful, but too much.

***

Saturday was spent emailing and telling friends. Again, the response was amazing. People that I didn't think really cared one way or another, emailed or left voice mail with the sincerest of words. Some actually cried. The outpouring of love was felt.

***

Sunday...I went shopping. My sister, niece, and two BFFs hit the mall for some maternity shopping. Thank goodness we decided to have lunch first, as I was quite overwhelmed. We got to the first store and when I was alone in the change room, I stared at myself in the mirror. I couldn't believe I was actually there. Tears started, but I wouldn't let them get out of control. I managed to hold myself together.

I literally tried on the entire store and managed to do quite well. It was the first time in a long time, where shopping and spending money didn't bother me. We know by now that I love shopping, but I haven't allowed myself to do any in the last few years as I was always hoping the new clothes wouldn't fit soon after. This time was different. I needed new clothes. My not so small stomach is popping out of my pants and I am uncomfortable (so not complaining...stating facts) so shopping was in order.

Having the support of my sister and friends was amazing. Yes, at times it was like too many cooks in the kitchen, but they were there out of love. It was really special.

This truly was a weekend like no other.

-R.

NT SCAN

2011-03-03T20:56:00.003-05:00

This was the most excrusiating week of my entire life. I had my weekly RE visit on Monday, and they did an impromtu ultrasound and NT scan...great. Not.So.Great. It turns out, that my NT measurement came back at 2.6, which is a bit on the thick side. Sure, most doctors will tell you that normal is <3, but when it is your number that is creeping up to the 3, it is not good. The RE tried to reassure me, but couldn't. There was nothing concrete she could or would say to calm me off my ledge. I went straight from her office to my dad. We then called the genetics lab that runs the results and they confirmed that the number was in the "normal" range, however it would not provide as clear a result as a 1.something would. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

To say that I was obsessing over NT scans and results would be an understatement. It really was the longest week of my life. People were trying to be comforting, but in reality, there was nothing that anyone could say to calm me down.

Today's appointments were overwhelming. I arrived at the hospital at 11:30 to meet an OB Internist to discuss my blood pressure and GI issues. I first met with a resident. BIG MISTAKE. She started taking my history, which was going fine until she asked me about my abortion. Um, what? I immediately corrected her by saying it was a miscarriage and that no, it was not on purpose. She didn't seem sympathetic at all, but she did manage to change the abortion to spontaneous abortion. Really? Go fuck yourself resident.

This interaction sent me into a tailspin of emotion for the remainder of the day. I found myself yet again, crying uncontrollably in a doctor's office.

Thankfully, my issues are of little concern right now and aside from wearing a 24 hour blood pressure monitor, I am to keep on my meds and continue life as normal. Phew.

It was then time for the NT. It was a more relaxing experience as I was able to see the screen and the heart flicker away the entire time. I did manage to ask to make sure to see a nasal bone as that is also an indicator that something could be wrong. He asked me if I am in medical field and my reply was "Infertility Patient".

When meeting with the doctor we were given the results of the ultrasound. IT is measuring right on track at 12W4D with a heart beat of 163. A nasal bone was present and the NT result was 1.7. Say what? How is it possible that two scans, only four days apart could be so different? I was really concerned about this and so my MFM. He personally went over and reviewed today's scans and cleared them as accurrate. We are going under the assumption that today's results and blood work are ok. We did put the blood as STAT and the risk assessment should be in early next week.

I am relieved, but also so confused. Yes, it was my favourite tech at the RE clinic. The one who was responsible for my getting on a plane to Denver asap in May, however to have such a difference is almost unbelievable.

Thank all so much for your thoughts this past week, they have really helped and I felt your presence today.

-R.

12 Weeks

2011-02-27T14:32:00.003-05:00

Today marks twelve weeks of pregnancy. I know you know by now, I never in a million years thought that I would get here...let alone the way I did. I have dreamed about what 12W would feel like for what seems like forever, but it isn't exactly measuring up the way I had it built in my head. In my mind, reaching 12W, meant you were safe. I feel anything but. Yes, I am pretty sure that IT is still in there with a beating heart, but that is it. I have no idea if IT is healthy, developing normally or reaching any other milestones. Hopefully after Thursday's ultrasound I will have some reassurance, but as of now, I still feel as cautious as ever.

I know that it is not healthy to be this scared, but how can I not? I am doing much better than before. My relaxation strategies are working and my anxiety/panic attacks are fewer and farther between - at least that is something. BUT, I am scared. Scared that IT will have problems or that I will have issues carrying IT to full term are real and are not going away so quickly.

I probably sound like a broken record already and I'm sorry for that. In all honesty, in my day-to-day life, I don't allow myself to give IT much thought. Even though I am so deeply attached right now, somehow I think that if I pretend this doesn't exist, it won't hurt so bad if things go badly. It's my way of coping or dealing.

BUT, 12W is a big deal. It's a milestone and I am so thankful to be here. Today I did some celebrating. I spent the morning with my two BFFs having breakfast and massages. It was nice. I had told them a few weeks about "my secret" as our other musketeer who lives in CA was in and I wanted to tell them in person. I felt like I owed them that. I admit, it was a relief to have something out in the open, but I still made it clear that I did not want to talk about it.

One BFF came out today to announce her second pregnancy. Although it was easier to take, it was still really difficult. This is the same friend that made up an IF problem when pg with her first as she didn't know how to tell me. That ruined our friendship and changed it forever. Hearing her news today was extremely difficult. Not only is she pg, but due exactly one day ahead of me at the same hospital. Seriously?

I know it should be a big deal but couldn't I have been first just once? Out of the four of us, there have been a total of 10 pregnancies and I was dead last. In addition to this, now that she knows how close we are, she will always want to talk about it and I don't. The last few weeks with them knowing, but not discussing were perfect. I fear that will all change now.

In the end, I put on my brave face. Gave her a huge hug and wished her good luck. What else is there to do?

-R.

UGH

2011-02-23T20:52:00.001-05:00

OBs office called today to cancel tomorrow's NT scan. Apparently the dr will be out of the office or something. UGH. We are rescheduled for next Thursday. UGH UGH UGH.

-R.

Fears Creeping In

2011-02-22T21:27:00.002-05:00

I don't know when it happened, but this has become a bit of a pregnancy blog. I am not sure how i feel about that fact. I started writing just over a year ago and it was a daily event, it was my place to vent and scream and swear and cry and hope (a little). It saw me through the worst year of my life and you all were there supporting me, holding my hand and crying with me when my latest disaster struck. it was hell, but it was comfort as I knew that I could handle the shit fest that was my life.

I am now in unchartered territory. I'm in this place that I had dreamed about for five years. I thought about how it would feel to be here, but it is nothing like I imagined it. Maybe it's because of the way I got to this place, the unexpectness and miraculousness about it, or maybe because I am now so aware of how quickly things can go in the wrong direction, but whatever the reason, it is a place like no other.

I do not think about this pregnancy often. I don't allow myself positive (or negative) thoughts. I don't analyze every twinge or side effect (which have now started to disappear!). I don't stare at my five weeks of ultrasound photos. It is almost like this pregnancy doesn't exist. But it does. I don't allow myself to do those things because I am scared. I am desperately trying to protect myself. After the hell that I have been through, I don't know if I am strong enough to survive another loss. It's my coping mechanism - it's my way of surviving.

Today I am 11w2d and I feel no more secure today, than I did back on January 1st when my beta came in at 28. Ok, I am not as worried about a miscarriage, but I am still worried. My NT scan is scheduled for Thursday (11w4d) and I am terrified that we will learn of a problem. It is just a feeling, but it is similar to the feeling I had before TTC about having difficulty. I was right back then, but I do not want to be right now.

It is hard for me to believe that IT could be normal, healthy, surviving. My entire infertility journey has been filled with, "your eggs are crap", "your embryos are not good quality and did not make it to blast", "you need an egg donor", "your uterine lining is too thin to support a pregnancy", and "you need a surrogate". How can I not think the worst? Wouldn't you?

I think I am kidding myself when I say, that I don't think about this pregnancy. I do think about it...all the time. I think about how it may end. How, if it is going to end, then why did it need to start in the first place. I was surviving. I was getting happy about starting the next chapter with the GC. This was completely unplanned and unexpected. Of course, it was and is my biggest dream come true to find myself pregnant, but not if it doesn't go the full distance.

I am doing what I can to get my anxiety under control, but I fear it is still high and causing my heart to beat crazy fast (like 100b/min - resting). In all honesty, the fears creep in once or twice a day, bur the majority of the time is spent in denial. Now that I am approaching the end of the first trimester, many of my symptoms are fading and it helps to live without the constant reminder of what is going on inside of me.

It will be a difficult few weeks waiting to get the NT results, but I am hoping that once that hurdle is passed, I can start to exhale a little.

First EVER OB Appointment

2011-02-17T21:20:00.002-05:00

This was a good week for me emotionally. I think the acupuncture and hypnosis are really helping. No, they haven't lowered my blood pressure or heartbeat, but I feel a tiny bit calmer. When I go for an ultrasound, I am pretty confident that IT will still be there. Thankfully, all continues to go well.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with the RE. I needed a scan to ensure that everything was good and growing before taking the enormous and terrifying leap of going to the OB. I didn't sleep well last night. There were so many thoughts floating in my head that at 4am, I decided to head to the coach and watch PVR TV until it was time to go. I needed something brainless to do - to keep busy. A. and I drove together, but didn't talk much about the upcoming appointment. I was freaked about, but not sure about what or why. Just anxious. When we got to the hospital there was a mix-up with our appointment time and we had to wait longer than expected. Not good to leave an already overly anxious woman to wait, but I managed to get through it.

The waiting area was bizarre. I felt totally out of place. I was surrounded by enormous pregnant bellies and I just wanted out of there. I didn't (and still don't) feel like one of them. I felt like a wannabee or impostor. I made A. sit in the corner with me far away from the other patients. He thought I was crazy, but I didn't care. We got called in for the ultrasound first. It was so nice to have A. with me for the entire scan. It was also so nice to avoid the transvaginal scan. I did find it oddly strange to have a male ultrasonographer. In all my years of TTC, the only male staff I have encountered have been drs. The one thing I realized that is different from a female to a male scanner was the attention to detail. The females make sure you are are covered and that the cold goo won't get on your clothes. The male, squeeze the shit all over the place and soaked me for the remainder of the day.

The ultrasound went well. He took his time to explain what we were seeing and we even had a chance to watch IT move around. So cool. The ultrasound dated us a day ahead of where we thought so we are officially 10w4d. Weird.

We had some wait time between the scan and the doctor so we met my mom for lunch in the hospital cafeteria (same hospital as her job). It was a good distraction and we were able to check out the different food options for future knowledge. Holy they have some awesome choices - brown rice sushi, pizza, grill, sandwiches and terriyaki. Not the highlight of the day, but up there. LOL.

We then met with the nurse practitioner (NP) and she took my very long and sorted history. At this point the emotion and realization of where I was and why was too much. I broke down in the office. I have never been to an OB before. To be honest, I never thought I would be there for myself. It was an awkward, terrifying and overwhelming experience. She was great and took her time explaining to me and calming me down.

Then the dr came in. He is so cute. He is the type of dr that will be late to see you because he is spending time with his patients. He encouraged me to come to every appointment with a list of questions and that he would answer every single one of them. WOW. He seemed to have good bedside manner and was even quite funny. He is an MFM and also extremely cautious. He was a bit concerned about my reflux issues and white coat syndrome high blood pressure so he is recommending I see an additional dr in the practice to get a consult. Other than that, he said things look good.

He said that after 9 weeks and seeing a heartbeat the miscarriage rate goes down to 1.5% so that was really reassuring. However, I have now moved on to a new anxiety. Will IT be normal? My reasons for this fear are simple. I have never made blasts before. I have never had good embryos. I have never had good eggs. This scares the shit out of me. Hopefully our NT scan and blood work will prove my fear unfounded.

The one surprising thing happened when I mentioned my headaches. I am prone to migraines and headaches and over the past week, they have been out of control. I really wanted a prescription for codeine as Tyle.nol does nothing. Instead I got dr.'s orders to drink one Star.bucks coffee a day. Seriously? I almost fell off my chair. I haven't had coffee in two years. I had my first one tonight and oh how I have missed it.

After the dr visit, the NP gave me a pap (ouch) and took my blood pressure (142/84). Luckily I warned her in advance that it would be high so she wasn't concerned. I will keep track of this issue very closely as I am petrified of high blood pressure related complications.

Overall it was a good appointment, not that I have anything to compare it to. Clinic was nice, NP was great and the dr was caring and smart. What else do you need?

Next step...NT on Thursday! I still don't believe this is actually happening.

-R.

Relief

2011-02-10T20:26:00.002-05:00

Today went well. Everything is measuring where it should be so a big sigh relief. This last week has been pure torture. Torture. We are so not out of the woods, but hopefully now we are one step closer. Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers, I definitely felt them today.

-R.

Anniversary

2011-02-09T10:45:00.002-05:00

I should be in labour right now. Or already a mom. My first real BFP last May should have worked. I miss that feeling of optimism and hopefulness. I don't have that now. Now I am terrified and anxious. Anxious that in another six months I will be right back to this place of missing my babies.

The miscarriage was the.hardest.thing.in.my.entire.life. Seriously. I think about how far along I would have been and how cute my belly would have looked and how scared/excited A. and I would be to meet the baby, but that was ripped from us. It was a good embryo. A donor egg and A.'s super sperm, why would that not work? Yes, I have a shit uterus, but seriously? That should of worked.

A non-medicated pregnancy should not have worked. This is all so fucked up. I have never made a good embryo in my life and now, now it may be. I am terrified that a more intensive ultrasound will find that serious birth defects or problems. And I am terrified of returning back to the hell that was last summer. I miss that baby. I miss that pregnancy.

Tomorrow is my next ultrasound and I am petrified. I am scared from losing the GC, from the harsh reality that things that look good on paper don't work out.

Today is a sad day. I miss my baby.

-R.

Decision Made

2011-02-04T16:01:00.003-05:00

The last few days have been stressful to say the least when it comes to the GC. We were having miscommunication problems and although I take some responsibility, I actually do not know when it started or what triggered it. I was getting snippy text messages and emails and was feeling rather overwhelmed by it all. I was feeling taken advantage of. But today was the straw that broke this camels back.

The GC went ahead and ordered her medications through her pharmacy even though I had said that I can get them at cost (the perks of having a drug dealer mom) and would FEDEX them to her. Ugh. Now I am out even more money as I had to pay to retail. It seemed a bit weird to me how quickly she organized the medications and picked them up as if she was double dipping (getting reimbursed from me and also submitting an insurance claim). In Canada, most of the FET prep medications are covered as they are double duty meds, also used for menopause so it is entirely possible that they were covered for her.

Ok, I was pissed off, but decided to let it slide because really, there was nothing else I could do. We were then making arrangements to go to Denver and she wanted me to pay for her husband to come along so they could have a mini-vacation. Um no f'ing way. It was my understanding that if I am going and am the one taking care of her, that there is no reason for me to have to pay for her husband. AL and I discussed this and she said that was in no way fair of her to ask of me. For the record, I have no problem with the husband coming too, I just don't want to pay for it.

Literally thirty minutes after she learned that I would not pay for her husband to go, I get a text message saying that the pharmacy misquoted her and that she owes more money and they didn't fill the prescription correctly. Let me get this straight - they gave you less pills and asked for more money? I find that highly coincidental.

I have gone over and above to try and be a good intended parent. I bought her a Christmas present, invited her and her husband to stay at my house before going to Denver for the ODWU, but enough is enough. This was rubbing me the wrong way.

I was stressed and I know that's not good for me and I want to feel like that. This is supposed to be a good time, a happy time and it wasn't. It was awful actually. I needed to separate my fears about my pregnancy from her. Rationally I realize that cancelling her will not cause a miscarriage, but in my heart it is all I am thinking about.

I will say that A. is 100% supportive of this decision and so am I. For the first time in a long time, I am feeling like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I can breathe again. AL was amazing. She totally understood and supported me through this decision.

In the end it came down to my gut, and it was telling me to let go. I don't regret this.

-R.

Snow Day & Anxious

2011-02-02T17:40:00.004-05:00

School was closed today because of an impending storm. Yes we got snow, but I would not classify it as snow day worthy, but I am so not complaining. In light of the day off today, I bumped my weekly ultrasound up a day. I went alone as A. had to work and for the most part I was ok. As soon as I entered the building, I immediately felt my pulse rushing and started to get a nervous stomach (nothing one can do about that as you need a full bladder). I think the sonographer saw my anxiety and immediately tried to calm me down by showing me quickly and then returning to her measurements.

Phew, its still in there. Big breath of relief. It is growing. It is now 1.65cm and has grown arm and leg buds. Holy shit, there are arms and legs too cool!. I got dressed and met with the RE. She said that everything is on track and will see me next week. I must say that I am in a different state of mind now. I feel like positive thoughts may be creeping in (but not too many). I am desperately trying not to attach an outcome to this, but it is impossible. How can I not. There is a heart. It beats at 175 beats/minute and it is growing, every week. Every week I get more attached. Today is 8w2d.

The RE told me that acupuncture can help with the anxiety. I don't know. She told me it is safe, but then realized that if I went and something happened, I would blame the acupuncture so she said don't do it. I feel like I can't go on like this though. I feel as if I have run a marathon everyday and I am not straining my body at all. They say not to get your heart rate up, but mine is constantly through the roof. I emailed my acupuncturist, the same one I saw before and asked her opinion. I'm waiting to hear back. What do you think?

-R.

The Plan

2011-01-29T21:48:00.003-05:00

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and personal stories with me, A. and I have read them and they have helped a lot. We decided to go ahead with the GC as planned...for now. Once (if) we hit the 12-week mark and things look ok, we may reevaluate, but for now, we are committed to this plan. We also decided to not tell the GC yet. We consulted with AL and we all agreed that she does not need to know now. Of course we would tell her before a transfer, but right now, I do not feel safe with my own pregnancy that I just don't want to deal with that.

Our transfer is set for March 11, but our legal contract needs to be in place by Feb.9th and I am not sure that will happen, so who knows how far back will be pushed. AL is working hard to make this happen for us, but right now, I just don't know what will happen. I am trying to be relaxed about both situations so that I don't get too attached to any outcome. The lawyer will receive his retainer Monday by lunch and then we will know if this is doable or not. Fingers crossed.

On Thursday we had our second ultrasound. I was feeling pretty calm leading up to it, but come Wednesday night I was a mess. Driving on the way, I started hyperventilating and crying. I was petrified that the heart stopped and this would all be over. Thankfully, things still look good. It measured 9mm with a heartbeat of 165. Relief.

A. was with me and after the scan we met with the RE. She told me that my reactions are completely normal. That I am living week to week and I feel relief for a few days after the scan, and then go back to worrying. It won't hurt the pregnancy to feel like this, but I should try and enjoy some moments. All we have is now and if the worst happens, we will deal with it. I am trying to do that but it is difficult.

In her effort to make me a normal patient, she referred me to an OB. It took her a few moments of thought and consideration before making her suggestion. I picked the hospital, and she did the rest. She assigned me to a high-risk dr that specializes in people like me. Nut jobs. People that have been through a lot to get pregnant that need a little extra hand holding and may be a bit nuts (or in my case, a lot). I don't think we meet this doctor until after twelve weeks, but just having the referral is a big step for me.

She put us on a weekly ultrasound plan because as she says, the research shows that frequent monitoring helps to reduce anxiety and miscarriages in the nutsos. Ok, I like that. I can only imagine how much worse off I will be without the scans.

I started having infrequent bouts of nausea from about 6.5weeks, but now they are more stable. I am not throwing up, but I am constantly nauseous and I am loving it. I have tried many natural remedies (candied ginger, tea, crackers), and so far the crackers are working. I did hear of some candies that are supposed to relieve the nausea so I am going to try those as well. If you have other remedies, I am all ears. (I am totally open to taking medication, however it is manageable right now, but if it gets worse than to the pharmacy I will go.)

On another note, A. and I babysat tonight. My sister had to go out unexpectedly for about an hour and half and so we watched her. It was the first time we were alone with an infant and we did a great job. Of course it is way easier to watch a baby for a short time, but for us, this was a huge milestone. I have been spending more time with her lately and she is just so cute, that I fall more in love with her cuteness every time I see her. (Thank you to those who told me that would happen.)

I'm in a better place right now. I feel hopeful that 2011 will bring me a take home baby (one way or another) and A. and I are and have been in a great place. I am so glad the devastation from the summer is behind us and we can focus on other things. I won't lie, I think about that pregnancy all the time. I am acutely aware that the due date anniversary is around the corner in February, and although it will be incredibly sad, we will get through it.

-R.

Flip Flopping

2011-01-25T08:12:00.002-05:00

For the past week all A. and I have been doing is obsessing about the decision to go ahead with the GC or not. It is not about using a GC or using DE that is affecting our decision, it is whether we want to have two kids three months apart. It is hard for me to believe there may actually be a Take Home Baby in eight months, and I fear that this is clouding my judgement.

I can only think short term right now. How great it would be to finally be done with building our family. Two kids, close in age...would be great. We would still be in that baby mode when the second comes around, that although yes, I can only imagine how difficult it will be, but from where I'm sitting, what isn't difficult? One kid is tough. Twins are tough. People get through it, I can get through it. Maybe if I had a crystal ball that showed me that everything would be ok, I would feel more secure, but right now I am just terrified. Terrified of making the wrong decision, of making the right decision, of making any decision actually.

What if we went through with it? We would forever be explaining to the world why are children are three months apart. Will they resent this? Will the second feel as loved as the first? WIll the first feel as loved as the second? I won't be able to just sit and take in all the moments. I will be busy. Very busy and may miss things. I will be able to stay home for the full year with the first, but not the second, is that fair?

I want to get to a place where I feel excited about my pregnancy (assuming it is still going on and healthy). Will I be able to enjoy two simulatenously? Will I be able to give the GC the attention that she deserves during this time?

These are some of the thoughts running through our minds. We are no closer to making a decision than we were yesterday. If you have ever been in a similar situation, I would love to hear your thoughts (and if you haven't as well).

-R.

The Telling - Part 1

2011-01-21T21:41:00.003-05:00

Yesterday A. and I went to see SJ. I brought A. along for the visit because I really need him to understand how scared and reserved I am with all of this. He is characteristically optimistic - almost to a fault, and this terrifies me as well. SJ was amazing (as usual). She really helped A. see where I was coming from and I think he gets it. It took a while, a lot of explaining and rephrasing, but in the end he got it. We left her office feeling excited to share our news with our immediate families.

When we first decided to start a family, I imagined how I would tell my parents the news. It was going to be this magical moment where we just shocked and surprised everyone. Over the last four years, that dream disappeared. My parents have been a part of this every step of the way (they even waited in the waiting for all my local retrievals) so to think that my dream was becoming my reality is amazing. I couldn't bring myself to say the words so A. did. Of course he did it in a cute, funny way, but the expression and look on my mom's face was priceless. She was in some major shock. My brother was also super excited and overwhelmed. It was a really great night.

Tonight we told A.'s family. His mom broke into instant tears and his dad needed to hear the words a few times before it registered. My SIL and BIL were also there and very excited for us. It was very special.

I will say this - I am SO not ready to have pregnancy talk. Tonight, questions were flying and I had no answers. Do I have an OB? No. How long will I need to be monitored? I don't know. What does my RE think about such and such? I don't know. I also don't really care. In fact, I was feeling rather uncomfortable with all the pregnancy related talk - even though it was about me.

At the end of the night, I told A. that I was relieved that the 'telling part' was over for now we don't have to talk about it. I don't allow myself to think about these things as I still feel that if I get too comfortable the other shoe will drop. He got that.

In other news, I think our transfer date is set for March! This gives me time to get my ducks in a row and get my head around all the implications. A. and I are still not 100% convinced of what to do, but we whatever happens, we will make the decision together and be on the same page.

-R.

Hurdle Two

2011-01-19T20:12:00.003-05:00

I have spent the last few days analyzing and over analyzing all of this, and I am still struggling. I think A. and I want to proceed with the original GC plan as we feel that it is best for us and our situation. We are both completely worn down from IF and are scared to death about this pregnancy so right now that is the direction we are leaning towards. BUT, things change, so who knows?

***

This morning was my ultrasound. I booked it on Monday so I didn't have that much time to really stress over it, but holy shit was I a mess. I purposefully tried to stay awake longer last night so that I would be extra tired and be able to sleep through the night. The plan worked and I slept for most of the night - but not well. This morning I was a mess. My anxiety was through the roof and at times I was hyperventilating so badly, I almost threw up. A few times.

A. was as calm as ever. He was sure that today would bring good news. I was only hoping to see a fetal pole - I needed to see the pole as that was the first sign that something wasn't right last time. When I got to the ultrasound clinic this morning, the receptionist greeted me with a congratulatory grin, and then I saw the tech. It was the same tech that almost messed up my May cycle, so I didn't have the best feelings going in.

I lay on the table and she put the cold jelly on my stomach. After what seemed like an eternity (probably 1 min) I asked if she could see anything. She saw the sac and the yolk sac. Ok, it's not ectopic, but where the fuck is my fetal pole? She continued with her measurements and I continued panicking and crying. She showed me the sac - lady don't you know me by now, I need to see the pole! During the bathroom break I tried to collect myself and pump myself up for the big gun ultrasound - the transvaginal. I got on the table and just started shaking. I have never been so nervous, anxious and scared in my life. After another eternity she made a comment that I am going to be happy. She said she could see clicking. What the fuck is clicking? She moved the screen towards me and showed me, I was exactly like Rachel from Friends when she couldn't see anything on the screen she had to point it out to me. I asked if there was a pole and what the clicking was, she said, yes obviously there is a pole, that's the heartbeat. Oh.My.God.

A heartbeat. I was not expecting that. A. joined us in the room and I lost control again. I was crying from being overwhelmed and disbelieving that I was actually seeing good news. We did a high five and then it was over. We were given two pictures and then sent to see the RE.

Everyone in my RE's office was so supportive and happy for us. She (the RE) actually swore out of excitement and shock and admitted that she wanted to call me, but didn't want to jinx anything so she stayed quiet - but to know how extremely happy she is. She gave me a huge hug and tears were shed by both. It was amazing.

I was in a state of complete and utter shock for the entire appointment. I didn't know what to ask or what to think so all I know is that the heartbeat measured at 114. She seemed happy with that. I have no clue how far along I am as I forgot to ask, but I think I saw on the paper it saying 6w2d so let's go with that for today. Next ultrasound is on the 27th.

I left the clinic in shock. The entire day has been a blur of events.

After work today, I went to my sister's house to see my niece on her one month birthday (did you know this was a thing?) and I decided that I couldn't keep the secret any more so I needed to spill the beans. We were watching Oprah and today's episode seemed to have an extraordinary amount of pregnancies and baby related topics. It was part of the Australian trip and at one point, Oprah was talking to a lady and asking about her day when she said that she found herself pregnant with her second after two years of trying. I replied, "that's nothing, I am pregnant after 4.5 years". My sister looked at me in shock and we both started crying. She had questions about how it happened, how far along and other usual things, but like me she was just over the moon happy and surprised.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I am choosing to believe that.

-R.

Hurdle One is Over

2011-01-16T10:44:00.006-05:00

Sorry for not posting or commenting much this week, it has been one of those crazy busy weeks.

Thursday's beta test showed an increase, but not a doubling so I was freaked. Yes, it was an 80% doubling, but still...paranoia. Thankfully yesterday's test was back to a doubling (or more than doubling) number so relief has settled in. Since my beta is now 10366, we are now officially done with the every other day blood tests! Next hurdle...ultrasound.

I am going to call tomorrow to make the appointment, but I am terrified. Doubling betas do not equal a heartbeat. I know this from last time, although everything about this seems different. I have no symptoms what so ever, including no progesterone symptoms. I feel fine, good, normal. Is that normal? Last time, my hcg numbers were off to a great doubling start, but around 6000 they increased, but not by 60% so my local RE had the indication that things would not be good. This time, we don't have that, but is that enough? On the one hand, I want the ultrasound ASAP. I need to know what is going on in there, but living in this state of calm is nice too. Without confirmation, I am living in denial. Denial there may be a heartbeat and denial that there may not be. Ignorance is bliss. My hope is to wait it out for Friday, as I will either be 7w or 6w and we have a better chance of seeing something. But I don't know if I can hold out that long.

***

The GC officially passed the screening this week so we are on our way. I spoke with AL and told her about my situation. She was extremely supportive and told me not to tell the GC right now. Phew, one less thing I need to worry about. As of right now, my plan remains to transfer with the GC as well, but it might change. I think if I am going to do this, I need the babies (I can't believe there might be babies) to be born relatively close together so an April transfer is as late as I would go. They want the GC to do a mock cycle as her lining looked a bit thin during her ultrasound, but I think its ridiculous and am trying to fight it. She has had three successful pregnancies - all took on the first time - so I am not worried about her uterus in the least. Besides, we can always give her some Estrace as well. Ugh, I hate red tape.

I haven't done anything with the lawyer yet, as there is a part of me that just wants to see what the ultrasound will bring. I am probably delaying the cycle, but right now I don't care. There are only so many things I can deal with at a time.

My mind is racing every second of every day going back and forth between my possible pregnancy and transferring into the GC that I am exhausted. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I know how I feel now, but maybe I won't feel that way in two years or ten years. What if I am able to have more children, do I really want to use my DE cycle then? (I don't think this is the case, but clearly you never know.) Will my children resent me for this? What if my pregnancy ends from a complication? What if I can not get pregnant again? The different scenarios are so real and the ramifications are for life so we need to make the right decision. All I know is that A. and I will love any and all children that come to us, no matter how they arrive. We are exhausted from TTC and IF and ready to be parents. We were 100% comfortable transferring two embryos with the possibility of twins, so what is really so different now?

I am just so confused. It is still so unbelievable and I can't really process any of it. If the situation was reversed and the GC got pregnant first, we wouldn't think twice about this, so why is it different now?

-R.

Musings

2011-01-11T21:31:00.000-05:00

I am not letting my guard down with this miracle pregnancy. Last time, I truly thought everything would be ok and I was completely blindsided by the miscarriage. I won’t let that happen again. A. is more than 100% convinced that this is our miracle. That it is finally our turn to have the happy ending.

Going for betas every other day is both reassuring and terrifying. I find myself a nervous wreck until they call with the results (2633), but then I find some peace for a short while only to relieve the entire the experience. I don’t want to rush time until an ultrasound (no clue when that will be), but I need to know how this is going to end up. Are we really going to get the happy ending and a take home baby? I hope so, but I am not convinced yet.

We haven’t shared this with anyone IRL except my dad, but I am uncomfortable about this. AL doesn’t know, nor the GC or CCRM. I go back and forth in my head about what to do, but I am leaning towards going ahead with the DE GC plan as well. A. and I want a big family and we are both ready to get off this ride. Also, I am not sure if this is a one-time wonder. There are stories (urban legends) of people that get pregnant a few months into their surrogacy pregnancy, so in essence this would be the same, only in reverse direction. I am definitely going to tell the GC before we set a transfer date as it is only fair. I will be honest and hopefully she will be supportive and still want to go ahead with the transfer.

Am I crazy for wanting to this? Is it being greedy? If you know of stories of people that have children a few months apart, I would love hear them.

-R.

The Party

2011-01-10T16:02:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was not an easy day. It started at 7am when I went for my beta test followed by the party. I told my mother that I would help set-up and decorate the room so I spent the morning arranging flowers, organizing the tables and putting the finishing touches on whatever needed to be done. I began to get nervous that I had heard about my beta around 1pm as they always call by 12:30pm. I kept thinking that it would not be a good day to get bad news. Please don't let it be bad news.

They finally called around 2pm - just before the party started and to my surprise, the number went up again. 1088.3! Holy shit that sounds like a strong number. I really hope this works as I find myself getting attached.

The party was very nice. I was only mistaken for my sister two or three times which was less than anticipated so that was good. Each time it happened though, it was like a punch in my gut. No, I'm not the one who just had the baby, I'm the older infertile sister. Wouldn't it be nice if we could actually say what was on our minds? Having my own positive news definitely helped get me through the party, however there were moments where I needed space. I felt suffocated at times being in the sea of pregnant bellies and new babies. I spent time on the couch in the corner or walking the halls when I needed a baby-free zone, but luckily it wasn't too much of the time so no one really noticed.

At the end of the party I was exhausted both mentally and physically that I came home and crashed at 8pm. A. was really sweet. He lay tucked me in bed and kissed me good night and I was able to finally have a better night sleep. I have no more baby related obligations. I can finally move on from the disappointment and begin to heal.

-R.

Bonding

2011-01-07T16:14:00.002-05:00

My niece and I have begun to bond. No this didn't happen this week, and no it is not because I may have received some good news (beta more than doubled again today...359!); I think I am just getting over the fact that as much as it devastates me that I did not provide the first grandchild, she is here and she is perfect.

Since going back to work this week, I have been swamped. Out late every night with meetings and out early in the morning for every other day blood draws so there hasn't been many opportunities for me to go over to my sisters. Friday's are my early day at work and so I went to spend some time. It was nice. I held her, kissed her and picked out her outfit for her first big party on Sunday. Two hundred of my parents, her inlaws and my sister's friends will be dropping by to meet the little one. I am not looking forward to this party, but am putting on a brave face and showing my support. A. and I assume that most people if not all people know that we are having difficulty conceiving based on the fact that we have been married for 6.5 years with no baby - so I am anticipating many pity looks. Yes, I know that I may have good news of my own to share in the near future, but until I do and even once I do, this situation will be hard for me.

I am getting better and I am proud of myself for that. I actually enjoyed myself today with her. I don't feel sad when I'm there and when I leave - if we are alone. Once other people come and see me, I feel awkward and pitied and sad. But I suspect I will feel like that for a while.

-R.

I'm an Urban Legend!

2011-01-05T12:32:00.000-05:00

This morning I POAS to see a faint second line so I went in thinking things were not going to end up my way. I was wrong. Beta came back at 126! I can't believe this. My RE wants me back for a repeat beta on Friday and then hopefully I will be done this craziness and be able to relax a little.

I cannot tell you how appreciative I am for the overwhleming support and love you have shown to me on my blog, your blog and by email. THANK YOU!

-R.

Scared Shitless

2011-01-04T17:19:00.000-05:00

How am I feeling? Completely terrified and in utter shock. I am still trying to process the hugeness of this, but I can't. I can't wrap my head around the fact that for once my body did what it was supposed to do. It ovulated. Do you realize how huge this is?! Then A and I miraculously had sex during the window of ovulation - luckily it happened on a weekend. And then, the sperm actually hooked up with my crappy eggs, absolutely amazing.

If this works, it will be a true miracle. Of course, I would never say its because we just relaxed. In fact, I was probably at one of my most stressful times - the birth, the MFM dr and the GC letter, GC's ODWU so I really don't think stress or less stress has anything to do with it.

A is 1000% convinced this is all going to work out. He cannot even consider the possibility that it is a short lived miracle. I am scared out of my mind for what this will do to him and his spirit if the worst should happen. He says it would be the cruelest joke on earth and he is right.

We didn't ask for this. We didn't have timed intercourse. We just had the "five minute fuck".

Don't get me wrong, I would love nothing more than to be pregnant and see my baby in nine months, but if that is not to be than why the fuck did my body need to start working now?

When we first had the positive test, I consulted with dr LisainSK and we decided I should take Endometrium (I told the nurse when she called about the beta and said that was good). I'm glad I did. I am not on any estrogen support and maybe I need to be. If the test doubles tomorrow, I will ask. I have begun spotting today and it is FREAKING me out. Yes, spotting can be normal, but nothing about this situation is normal so I don't know what to think.

So that's where I'm at. Totally freaked out. Nervous for tomorrow's beta and scared for myself and my husband.

-R.

Holy Shit

2011-01-03T12:55:00.002-05:00

The nurse just called. My beta increased to 49.5! I have no idea how much of an increase that is, but it is over 66% and that is all I care about. My progesterone is doing great at 80 (Canadian units) not sure what that translates into. That's all I can write now, as I am in SHOCK and at work. Will update later. Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers, they totally helped.

-R.

A Possible Miracle

2011-01-02T14:28:00.006-05:00

Do you believe in miracles? I didn't. I don't. Miracles don't happen to people I know. At least, they didn't. Until New Year's Day.

I still hadn't seen AF so I decided to POAS, I think you can imagine my surprise when a faint + came on the screen. Holy Shit, what is happening. This can't be happening. The doctors told me I can't get pregnant or carry a pregnancy. How can this be happening? Seeing as it was a stat holiday, I went to the ER to get a blood draw. The intake worker looked at me like I was crazy, until I explained that it was near impossible for me to be pregnant and I need to know, now. She agreed. After what seemed like an eternity (two hours) I got my answer, 28. I am pregnant.

Seeing as we weren't trying, didn't know when CD1 was or how long my unmedicated cycles are, and that I have never ovulated before, we have literally no idea how into a pregnancy we are. A. and I tried to figure out when this happened. To be honest, we don't have sex a lot these days, as I am just not feeling it. Loosing the genetic connection and the pregnancy connection this year has been rough. I don't always feel like a woman or desirable and the last thing on my mind is sex. I can remember two times since the BFN.

Option 1:
Dec. 18 - I remember this because it was the night my sister went into labour and we got the call right after. If this is the night of conception, then it is over before it began. 28 would not be a strong number.

Option 2:
Dec. 25 - I remember this because we had just come back from my sister's house and we engaged in a "quickie". If this is the night of conception, then 28 can keep us in the game.

So where does this leave me? Um confused, shocked, stunned, surprised, over the moon and angry. I didn't ask for this. I don't want a pregnancy that is short lived. I hate living in this constant state of terror of analyzing pee sticks and seeing if the lines are darker than before (which they are not). I fear this does not have a positive outcome and that makes me furious. 2011 was supposed to be my year. Why the hell is it starting out like this? What did I do to deserve this pain and torture?

It is incredibly hard to give up on yourself. To say goodbye to the possibility of having a daughter that has your eyes and smile or a son with your hair and nose was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Coupled that with the knowledge that I wouldn't carry the pregnancy was at times, too much to bear. And now, finding myself in this place. I am overwhelmed.

A. and I want so badly for our miracle to be real, but I fear it is not. I am not hopeful that tomorrow's beta will rise let alone double. In our four years of trying, we have never experiencing a positive test from doing it the free way - so either way, this was a miracle. Please don't let it be over.

There is so much more to say, but for today I am putting my energy into tomorrow's test. Please let this miracle work.

-R.

On a side note - please don't mention this on IVFC as I don't want my nurse to find out yet.

Goodbye 2010!

2010-12-31T12:59:00.003-05:00

I am not one for New Year's Resolutions. In fact, I typically don't acknowledge New Year's as a time for reflection - but this year I feel different. 2010 was by far, hands down, no contest, the worst fucking year of my entire life and I literally cannot wait for it be over.

When reflecting on the highlights of my year, I am brought back to those dark places and if you have been reading this blog for a while, you know them too so I'm going to assume that we can all agree, this year sucked. Big time. BUT, here are some stats anyway...

R's 2010 tally:
# of FET attempts - 5
# of FETS - 2
# of miscarriages - 1
# of trips to Denver - 3
# of acupuncture sessions - 56
# of pregnancy announcements - 13
# of babies born - 5
# of job changes - 1

I will say that professionally, I am in a much better place than I was last year. At least that is one thing to be happy about.

My wish for 2011 is that we all find some happiness. Happy New Year!

-R.

Keeping to Myself

2010-12-29T14:03:00.003-05:00

I haven't felt the urge to blog lately. There really is nothing going on right now that is worthy of the words - so I'm pretty quiet. I am still obsessively reading your blogs and checking IVFC, but I am not in such a commenting/posting place.

I'm still in the fog, but am no longer crying. It is hard to admit, but I feel like I am just going through the motions. I have spent a lot of time with my sister and niece and still nothing. She continues to be super sweet, but I don't really feel anything yet. I hope that is ok. Maybe that's why I'm ok to be around her so much? It honestly doesn't bother me the way I feared it would. It is like it has no affect on me whatsoever. Which probably is not a good thing.

***

I have been working on my final project for my course for the past week and it is like pulling teeth for me. I have lost the motivation. I am procrastinating as best I can by watching crap loads of HBO Canada. I have discovered two series in the past week that have some sort of IF storyline. Both shows are fantastic with or without the IF element.

1. Bloodletting an Miraculous Cures - this is a Canadian HBO series that takes place in a hospital and focuses around the lives of three doctors. Now try to stay with me as it is a bit confusing. Doctor A and doctor B dated. Doctor A broke up with doctor B and married Doctor C. Doctor A and C can't have children due to a blood problem (not sure I understand this IF problem) so they are asking doctor B to be their sperm donor. I will say that we learn all of this with the first episode, but the series is not about infertility. It is more about the relationships of these three doctors. It is really well done and only eight episodes so it's worth a watch.

2. Boardwalk Empire - this series takes place mainly in Atlantic City during the prohibition time. It has everything from mobsters, drinking, sex (lots and lots of sex), killing and infertility. I admit, I was quite surprised by this storyline, even though it was quite brief. What I enjoyed about it was the honesty that out poured from the female character. It happens towards the end of the first season, but it really is a surprise and well done.

***

In other news, today is CD48. Yup, you read that correctly. I am contemplating POAS to make AF arrive, but don't want to waste my money LOL. No, I don't think I am actually pregnant. That ship has sailed. The only reason I know what cycle day it is because I looked it up on my blog. Seriously, I have no clue when or if AF is expected and aside from the fact that I am majorly bitching out - I'm ok if I never see her again.

I have been drinking caffeine and wine like its going out of style. I stopped my pre-natal vitamins two months ago and I haven't seen my acupuncturist in ages. If I was pregnant (which again, I am not so please no miracle thinking) I would have some serious doubts in the medical profession.

My plan is to give it a few more days and if still nothing, kill myself. Ok, not really. I will probably put a call into NN to see if this is normal or not.

Thanks for continuing to follow although with sad story of mine, I wouldn't blame you if you traded me in for a more optimistic read!

-R.

Things I Heard At My Sister's House

2010-12-25T18:32:00.003-05:00

"Who does she look like?"

"I think I see you in her eyes".

"She has your mom's nose".

"Let's compare your baby photo to her".

"She has grandma's chin".

These are the comments that will never be said about me and my baby. I know genetics is not everything, but it is still really sad.

-R.

In a Daze

2010-12-23T18:30:00.002-05:00

I think there is something wrong with me. I have literally spent the last four days with my sister and niece and I appear to be fine. Is it numbness? Is it denial? I don't know, but whatever it is please let it continue. I know my limits and what I can handle, but the surprising thing is that I just don't feel anything.

Today I went in a number of baby stores and didn't cry. WTF? I have never been able to do that. To my credit, I was on a mission to find her some preemie size clothes because she is so tiny, so not a lot of time to roam the stores, but still. No tears. A. told me yesterday that he is both proud of and impressed by me. This meant more to me than anything. It shows me that he is acknowledging my pain and recognizes how difficult this situation is. I am not denying that this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I am doing it.

I'm not strong. I am putting one foot in front of the other and doing what needs to be done. At the end of the day, my sister was the one who took care of me when I had OHSS, held my hand and examined the clot in the toilet, rubbed my back when the physical pain of the m/c was too much and loved me when the emotional breakdowns occurred. I owe her this. I want to be there for her as she has always been there for me.

***

Things with the GC are continuing to move forward. We have begun the legal process, however I waiting to get 100% CCRM approval before I submit the retainer.

***

I am in full on wedding planning mode too for my brother's wedding. It has been a much needed baby/IF vacation and I couldn't be happier about that. When I am not with my sis, I spend my days on the phone inquiring about bands, venues and wedding dates. I am in heaven.

To those that celebrate, I wish you a Merry Christmas. May this be the year that brings you closer to your dreams.

-R.

2010-12-21T19:36:00.002-05:00

Things have been unpredictable. Aside from my niece, my brother got engaged as well! It has been a really exciting time for my family. This is definitely one of those times where I find myself saying, "happy for them, sad for me". I feel like everyone else's lives are just moving forward to these amazing places, and I am stuck in the depths of hell.

SJ told me yesterday that I am depressed. What else is new? Wouldn't you be, if you were me? I am numb. I am ok to be around my sister right now. I don't even cry anymore...numb. I will admit that today when her pregnant friend arrived, I had to leave, but other than that, I am doing ok, I think.

I am probably in for a big shock when this really starts to sink in. Changes are coming. My relationship with my sister is going to change. Right now, things are so new and I am not really processing what is going on around me. I am just surviving day to day as best I can. I am not happy.

Focusing on things that are because of the baby, but not for the baby help me. I have been cooking up a storm for my sister. It is something I can do, that shows I care, but I don't need to be there. I wish I was able to do more. I would love to be very hands on, but I just can't right now. Maybe in time, but not now. She understands. It's just really sad. I'm just really sad.

I hope in time things will get easier.

-R.

She's Here

2010-12-19T09:37:00.004-05:00

I'm an aunt! My niece, was born today at 7:25am. She is small and precious and healthy. Thank you all for your support, it really helped knowing I am not alone. You were right, it hurts like hell and I am an emotional mess, but she is perfect and I am already in love. It was really difficult seeing the joy and pain in my parents eyes. I tried to keep it together as best I could, but at times it was just too much.

I won't lie, last night was difficult. I went from zero to sixty instantly and couldn't get back to my happy-zen place. But, I was there for my sister the entire time. We texted the entire way to the hospital (I distracted her from the pain with my humour) and I checked my phone a thousand times throughout the night looking for updates. At 5:30 this morning, we got the call that she was ready to start pushing and off I went.

I had planned to go alone so that I could prepare myself, but that too was not to be. My sister's SIL is my next door neighbour, friend and fellow IFer (who found success after multiple IVFs two years ago) and I drove together. As much as she claimed to understand, she can't. No one can.

I kept biting my tongue...hard to stop the tears from flowing (who are we kidding, rushing) down my face. Seeing the pure joy on everyone's face was difficult and yet amazing at the same time. I will say that at times, I felt pitied. People looked at me with those eyes. Those sad eyes. I look at myself with them.

Visiting hours only start in the late afternoon so after a quick peak and a mazel tov, we left the hospital. I have the next five hours to wrap my head around this. I think I can do it. This is by far the hardest part so far.

-R.

This Is It

2010-12-18T22:02:00.002-05:00

It's happening. Her water broke. Please give me the strength to get through this. Please let my sister and her baby be ok. Please let me be ok.

-R.

Losing It - UPDATE

2010-12-17T15:42:00.004-05:00

Last night was incredibly difficult for me. It was probably our last family dinner without babies. My brother and his girlfriend are going away for two weeks so we went out to celebrate. My family (and sister included) is usually very sensitive, however last night destroyed me. The amount talk about pregnancy, delivery and aftermath was too overwhelming for me. I did the only things I knew how, I avoided the conversation and made some snappy remarks about useless shit to my sister. I don't think she was too happy with me last night, but I am not too happy with her either (I am still no where near ok with any of this).

I have been a basket case of emotions. Last night I cried so long and hard in the shower that I needed to take something to allow me to sleep. Shit. I am not strong. I am not coping. I am not ok.

I have been on pins and needles all day about the GC appointment. NN has been giving me small updates, but I don't expect to hear details until much later. So far, things are going well. NN had not received the letter from the MFM dr as of yet so I went to his office to go all postal. Well, the administrative assistant didn't show up for work today so of course the letter could not be faxed. I am ready to lose my mind. WTF is this shit happening? I just can't take anymore. Does he not realize how incredibly difficult it was for me to walk into an OB office? Seeing the pregnant women and their doting husbands while I am...not. I managed to keep it together long enough to see the actual dr myself, however he was unable (or unwilling) to look for the letter and fax it off. As long as she is there on Monday, it will get done.

Something has got to give. I really hope today's appointment goes well and it is the beginning of something positive. I honestly can't take anymore disappointment. It is too much for one person.

-R.

UPDATE: I just heard from NN. Everything looked good with the GC today. It will be two weeks until the blood work and personality tests come back, but that shouldn't be a problem. Since she just delivered in July, we can't start FET prep until after 6 months, so we are looking at a mid-Feb transfer. Ok, I can live with that.

2010-12-15T20:58:00.002-05:00

GC and her DH are on their way over right now. They are spending the night here and I will take them to the airport in the morning. I am freaking out. I have all my eggs in this basket (excuse the pun) and it has to go well.

-R.

Panic Attacks

2010-12-14T09:54:00.002-05:00

Every time the phone rings or my BB indicates an email I find myself nauesous that it is my sister. The baby is coming. Her due date is approaching (Jan 1) and it could literally come anytime now.

In theory I am so over the moon excited for her to be a mom, my parents to be first time grandparents and for A and I to be aunt and uncle. In reality I am petrified. What if I can't stand to be around the new baby as it is just too painful? What if I am the worst aunt and sister ever? What if my own jealousy and anger rips my closest relationship apart (me and my sister)?

When I think about the massive mountain left to climb still, I feel overwhelmed. At times, it is hard to breathe.

-R.

Hello, I'm R.

2010-12-12T17:45:00.003-05:00

Yesterday A. and I drove 1.5 hours and met the GC and her family. Until now, all our communication has been between her and I and mostly via text and email (although we have had the occasional phone call). I was a mixed bag of emotions - to be expected I guess, but in the car on the way over it really hit me, why we were going.

A. and I were joking on the drive over that it didn't matter, she was just our oven, 'Kitchen Aid' is what we jokingly referred to her as, but we were so wrong. She was so much more than we could have hoped. Her and her family were so warm and inviting, it really made thankful that we found someone so relatable. She and I are around the same age and so were A. and her DH, so already it was easy. (She told me that her last IPs were in their 50s - so she was happy with us too.) Her children were also adorable. At first, I thought that I had no interest in meeting her family as this is a business relationship, but again I was wrong. I realized that assuming she passes the ODWU on Friday and I know this a huge assumption, that we will be in each other's lives for the next year if not longer.

Wow. There are so many emotions floating around inside me right now, but for today I am thankful for her and hopeful that she passes the tests on Friday. Please please please let Friday be ok.

-R.

The First of Many Steps

2010-12-09T19:29:00.001-05:00

Big sigh of relief. The GC had her appointment with the MFM dr today. I was literally on bated breath all day waiting for her to call with the recommendation.

He approved her! He said that since didn't develop the preeclampsia symptoms until the very end of her pregnancy she is a low risk for a reoccurance. He gave her a 7% chance of this happening again, which (no dr...yet) think is low.

We are both comfortable moving forward as is NN. This is the first piece of good news I have had in a long time. I am going to ride this wave for the next week.

Next step - ODWU on the 17th!

Fyi- I wrote my letter in class that night. I wrote that I hope I am closer to motherhood. Not too much on the subject as I still don't want to be the one devastates myself next year.

-R.

A Letter.

2010-12-07T21:54:00.002-05:00

Tonight was the final class for my course. The facilitator had us write a letter to ourselves that she will mail to us in January 2012. I didn't know what to write. Should I write that I hope to finally be a mom? Um no, because if the letter arrives and I am still no closer to motherhood I will fall apart. I just stared at the paper and watched as the other class members began writing away as if they had no cares in the world. Oh, how I wish I had no cares.

What would you write to yourself today, that you will read in a year?

-R.

2010-12-06T19:06:00.004-05:00

Our party was a great success. Thirty people were crammed into our house and feasted on bagels with tuna, egg and cream cheese, lasagna, bean salad, tomato bocchinni salad, sweet potato and zucchini latkes and regular latkes too. It was quite the meal. Everyone is so appreciated and fun was had by all.

A. and I have been hosting this party for five years now. Each year we get better at it, we know how much food to make, how long we will need to get things organized and how much money it will cost. We got this. We look forward to this party all year long. I wasn't so into it this year. For one, I was anticipating my sister's water breaking in my kitchen and the entire party would focus around her labour. Thank goodness that didn't happen. I had also dreamed about being very pregnant at the party this year. I would be in my third trimester by now, getting ready to be a mom, but instead I am stuck in this place and watching as literally everyone else I know either enjoys motherhood or is preparing to.

As of now, we still have no word from the MFM dr on when or if he will be able to see the GC. I have approached a second dr as a back-up and am hoping to hear something tomorrow.

When I first started this blog back in January, I posted every day. My goal was to post until my baby arrived. As the time passes and I am no closer to my dream than I was back then (actually I am farther) I find I don't mind letting time pass between posts. I am just really sad. My heart aches to be a mother and give A. children, and I think I am finally (a little late) realizing all that I have lost. I will never see my face in someone else's and I probably will never experience the feelings associated with bringing a life into this world. It hurts. A lot.

I find myself staring at my sister. The image of her replies in my head and I can't help but ask what she did to deserve this and I don't? At least when it was DE, I knew I would experience a pregnancy or if it was just GC, I would have my genes, but to have neither is just cruel. I just need this nightmare to end. People tell me (all the fucking time) that once I hold my baby in my arms, the pain of this struggle will disappear. I find that hard to believe, but I am so ready for it be less. I can't take the pain anymore.

-R.

The Look

2010-12-04T23:31:00.001-05:00

Tonight A. and I went to an engagement party. We met a lady that grew up with A.'s dad. She asked us if we had kids, we replied no. She then asked us how long we were married, we said 6 six. Then she gave us the look.

0R.

Deep Breaths

2010-12-03T16:02:00.006-05:00

The countdown has started. December has just begun, but already I feel myself wishing the days away. The update on the GC is that she passed the initial phone screening (yay) and is going to Denver for the ODWU on Dec. 17th. We are still waiting for the appointment with the MFM dr, however I think we are making some headway in that area. Dec. 17th is also that last day of class before winter break and that is going to be a much needed break as I am exhausted from all the stress in my life.

We have also started the countdown to the new arrival, my sister's baby. I haven't talked about it much lately because my life is filled with other time consuming drama, but it is still unbearably difficult for me. I love my sister and I am excited to be an aunt, but...

My brother and I decided that we were going to buy her a diaper bag for her present. Since I am the shopper of the family it was my job to pick it out. I literally took some deep breaths and entered a baby store. I kept my eye on the prize and didn't get too overwhelmed. I picked this bag.

I was actually quite proud of myself for keeping myself together. It was only after when I went to the greeting card store that I started getting upset and needed to leave - before purchasing anything.

***

I have to say a huge thank you to Pumpkin for giving me this award. She recently discovered that she is a carrier of familial dysautonomia, a genetic disease that is common in Ahskenazi Jews and she is understandable shaken by the news so please go over and send her some love.

So many of your blogs are amazing and to single out just 5 is difficult, so please consider yourselves all nominated!

-R.

Happy Hanukkah

2010-12-01T18:25:00.000-05:00

Tonight we light the first candle in honour of Hanukkah. It is always a special time of year me that is not tainted by IF (unlike what I am sure Christmas is to many of you). We do not do presents or even have big celebrations, except for one rockin' family party hosted by us. A. and I through a mean party and we do go all out, so this should be fun. At least I am excited for that, I guess its something.

To all that celebrate, I wish you a Chag Sameach filled with lots of grease and carbs.
-R.

2010-11-30T17:44:00.001-05:00

I didn't mean to scare anyone about my mental state. Yes, I'm in a deep dark place, and I am not exactly coping (I even turned down a quick appointment with the local RE), but I'm not suicidal. I'm breathing and taking it one day at a time.

Things remain status quo. No news from the peri on an appointment date for the GC, NN hasn't called her yet either - so we wait. You know how I love that!

In other IF related news...

I must wear a huge neon light up sign on my forehead that screams, I can't get pregnant. Today I had an encounter with a teacher at the photocopier. She started off talking about how God only gives what we can handle, and no matter how much we want something we only get it when God says so. Um, FUCK YOU lady. Then she continued to tell me about her daughter who never wanted kids, then found out she needed help, so she had IVF, so what! My response, she's lucky it worked and I walked away.

Seriously?! This cannot be my life.

-R.

UGH

2010-11-29T17:46:00.002-05:00

Yesterday A. and I met briefly with a new RE. We are actively researching doing another DE IVF locally, or so I thought. Right now, the thought of doing anything just terrifies me.

On the one hand, you can't get hurt if you don't try. I feel like this is the same coping mechanism that my students use. They don't want to look stupid or feel badly if they do poorly so they don't try. Not good in school, but where I'm at currently, doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

On the other hand, not doing anything terrifies me. I can't be stuck in this place for much longer. Something has got to give. One way or another, I need to know my future. Whatever that may be.

I am just sick of fighting this stupid fucking battle that I did not willingly enter. I want off the ride.

-R.

Making Plans

2010-11-26T17:02:00.000-05:00

Today was an exhausting day - especially since I was off work. Every minute I have had different ideas of what to do and what to think. I woke thinking I would go in one direction and by the end of the day, I am leaning in a different one.

First, I am paying the agency fee which entitles me to hold the GC for as long as like without making any decisions. It also makes AL continue to look for alternatives in case I need one. I decided to call NN and clarify the facts. Yes, if the MFM doctor reviews her file, goes over the risks and clears her, we are good to go. The GC still needs to do the initial phone screening before the ODWU and that will happen this coming week. I have also sent in a referral for the MFM doctor and we will hear on Monday how he wants to proceed and the timeline.

I also spoke with the head embryologist at the largest clinic in Canada. She confirmed what Schoolcraft said about vitrified embryos, and I have decided that my embryos need to stay put. Although I believe this clinic to be excellent and with a top notch embryology lab, there are so many different procedures for vitrifying embryos that I am not willing to take the risk. I don't want anyone practicing on my embryos.

On Sunday I have an appointment with a local RE at the clinic to discuss doing a DE IVF there. The price of the cycle is one fourth of that of CCRM so I may just leave those embryos in Denver for now, and pursue a new cycle (still using a GC).

I met with SJ today and she is worried about me. I am trying. I am doing better. Yesterday I was drug free. Its a start I guess. Once I have a plan, I feel better. Even though nothing is official yet, I am making plans. For today, I just thankful that I survived another day.

-R.

Where I'm At

2010-11-25T07:19:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry I left you all hanging, but I just couldn't deal. I still can't, but I am getting better. Here's a recap of the last three days:

- NN calls Monday night to tell me the GC was rejected. She found that she had high blood pressure and symptoms of preeclampsia for two weeks during her first pregnancy.
- NN was not very nice or empathic about the situation, in fact when I tried to prompt her for some more info, she was unwilling to go into details.
- Devastation kicks in.
- I email Sj and AL to get the ball rolling on next steps.
- Tell A. and email my parents.
- Take a Vallium and cry myself to sleep.
- WTF call with Sch.oolcraft. didn't go well. I did not get a warm and fuzzy feeling from him. I asked about testing the embryos, he continues to say that it is unnecessary. I asked about using this GC, he doesn't recommend her, but if I get a peri to sign off on her, he will allow, I asked about transferring the embryos to Toronto, he feels that would kill them.
- I don't know what to believe. At this point I am just so tired.
- I brought up adoption with A. last night, he is not on board while we still have embryos (with his sperm) waiting.
- I am meeting with a local clinic this week to discuss the logistics of bringing the embryos home.
- Just so fucking tired of this shit.
- Took Valium every night this week at 7pm, in bed sleeping by 7:30pm. I just want the pain and heartache to go away.

-R.